


Tommo the Tease

by Sisusen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Fluff, Insecure Harry, M/M, Smut, Stripper Louis, Tommo the Tease, an ex boyfriend treating harry like crap :(, and while writing i think we have a light sub harry coming up, some kind of christmas loving fluff kinda thing?, thigh high boots, wanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 02:36:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sisusen/pseuds/Sisusen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has a problem catching up with life after being dumped by an asshole named James. He visits a strip club, because his friends makes him. Tommo the Tease are working that night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know Harry Styles, and I don't know Louis Tomlinson. And I haven't ever met a stripper dude with stage name Tommo the Tease.

"Come on Harry, you'd feel so good after a night out, have some drinks, talk some shit, look at cute boys. Please, come with us!"

Niall stood in the doorway to Harry's living room and kept on begging him to join the gang of friends. Harry felt clearly that the long-planned game night rather was a way for Niall to get Harry to come out with them, than to actually hang out with his friend and spend another evening of playing video games.

"Put your ass down again." Harry said, eyes fixed on the TV and thumbs ready at the buttons on his console. All he wanted to do this night was to get lost in another game against Niall and win big time.

Niall sighed. "But you have to.There will come a day when you will just have to go out with us, why not today?"

"Because I don't want to today." Harry answered simply. "Come on, sit down now."

"But you're not gonna want to any day!" Niall stated with a sad puppy-face.

"No. Maybe not. I like being home. Alone. Moreover, I really don't like the thought of going to a strip club. It can't possibly be happy people who work there."

"But they have a job. Not everyone has a job!" Niall insisted, always seeing the glass as half full.

"It's not a job, standing in front of other people and dance while undressing to their bare skin!" Harry protested indignantly, still with his eyes on the tv-screen. "It's humiliation, is what it is. There are broken people who work in such places. It's sickening to go there, letting yourself get all worked up by looking at the poor people stumbling around on the stage!"

Niall sighed loudly and threw out his arms in a gesture of resignation. "Harry, you need to come with us! If you don't do this, I owe Zayn all the drinks he can drink tonight. I can't afford it!"

Harry let his gaze leave the tv and narrowed his eyes on Niall. "Did you make a bet about getting me out tonight? I can't believe it, why can't you just respect that I just don't want to?!"

"Harry... you haven't been out with us for an entire year. You've only been at home. I get it, we all get that it was tough for you when James left you... But, we're worried about you. You need to meet people. I don't expect you to meet the love of your life tonight, but it is a step that it's time for you to take now. In order to not become... asocial!" Niall explained.

Harry said nothing. Niall was right. He had deliberately stayed away from all get togethers with the usual gang in the past year, he was unable to leave his home in the evenings. He was doing his job without complaints, he behaved normally when he talked to people, he ate, worked out, and he kept his flat clean. But to go out and interact with other people... it just drained so much energy from him.

"Come on..." Niall said... "I promise it'lll be nice. Unfortunately I can not change the place, it will be a strip club, it is after all Nick's birthday and he decides, but if you follow through tonight, I promise that we absolutely won't go to a place like this next time!"

Harry threw his console beside him on the sofa. Thought "Fuck it!" and stood up. He didn't say a word to Niall, he let him wonder, he still felt forced to do this and he hated it. But he knew that Niall was right. He couldn't continue like this. He had to leave his flat sometimes, in more purposes than to go to work or shop for food. In silence, he went into his bedroom, got out of his t-shirt and dressed himself in a black t-shirt instead. He got out of the joggers and put on a pair of tight black jeans. On top of the t-shirt he donned a dark green shirt. He noticed that it was a little wrinkled, but who will care, he thought.

When he walked out of the bedroom he almost collided with Niall, who with a confused look on his face leaned into his doorway. When Harry stepped out, clothes changed, his friend looked very pleased.

"What?" Harry snarled.

Niall smiled. "Now that's what I'm talking about. Hottie! I am really happy now, and not just because don't gonna have to pay for Zayn's drinks tonight. Shall we?" he said, and offered Harry his arm.

Harry snorted and took long strides before Niall, out the front door.

...

Harry was in a bad mood all the way home to Nick's place, he realized that he probably looked like a thundercloud during the whole time they were at his place, and he smiled not once when Niall and his pal Sam went on some sort of charades which lasted for 25 minutes, which was exactly 25 minutes too long. He sat on the couch and most of all wanted to get up and sneak out of there and go home, but he realized that too many people were involved in Niall's happiness for getting Harry to leave his home, it wouldn't be worth the fight. He would basically need to kick and punch everyone in the room to get out of there, and he had no such intentions.

So he sat there in the low couch, his long legs drawn up toward himself so that he almost had his knees under his chin. He sighed and leaned back and stretched out his legs under the table. He glanced discreetly at the watch on his arm. Couldn't the time just pass so he could go home already.

Nick's best friend Mia came out of the kitchen with a bright green drink which she happily declared that she had done for Harry and only for Harry, and he bit his lip to not mutter "Did you put absinth in this poisonous looking drink, or what?" He thanked politely and forced himself to give Mia the first smile of the evening. She smiled big back at him and said "Oh, it's nothing. Are you having fun?" She tumbled down beside him on the couch and smoothed her skirt over her legs.

Harry shrugged. "Well, I guess. Or... I guess I'm enjoying myself more than would have done at home. That's good, I guess."

"You sound doubtful." Mia said and took a handful of peanuts out of a glass bowl on the table.

Harry shrugged again. "Well, noo... It's just a long time since I was going out like this. Feels a bit weird."

"But your're coming right? To the club?" Mia aske.d

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes. My friends makes me do it. I don't really like strip clubs. Poor exploited people who work there." he began to explain again, as he had said to Niall.

Mia smiled "I agree, I don't think many people work there because they really want it. But don't you think some people might do it because they might kinda like it?  A little bit? Maybe?"

Harry shook his head firmly. "Not a chance. Why would you want shabby old men sitting in their sweaty shirts glaring at you and..." Harry was on the verge of saying "wank" but it didn't feel okay to blurt out such a thing to a girl he barely knew. He continued the sentence with " ...well, you know..."

Mia smiled again, and Harry thought fleetingly 'Oh god, did this girl swallow the sun or something?' before he embarrassed smiled back. While Mia leaned forward and took a another handful of peanuts she said, "But you know, some people might actually like to show off to others? I don't know, some may finds that as some sort of turn on and in addition you earn money from it. Win-win?"

Harry thought about it for a moment. Then he shook his head and said emphatically "No. No way. There's no way I will ever believe that people strip just because they like it. No. Never."

Mia shrugged, didn't seem too concerned about their shared opinions. "Okay, that's your opinion. I at least hope I'm right. If I see someone tonight that seems extremely happy with what they do, I'll point them out for you!" she said and winked.

Harry felt a slight bit of sun peek out from somewhere within him, this girl made him happy, and he smiled quickly to Mia and said "Okay. Good Luck."

...

It was November and a biting wind, and some kind of rain-snow whipped them in the face while they stood in line for the club. Harry swore quietly to himself as he tried to pull his hands inside his sleeves. He had no gloves, and putting his hands down his pockets to try to warm themselves were no help, his pockets were ice cold. He didn't understand how there could ever be a line to enter a strip club, how many perverted people were there in his small town?

He stepped back and forth while the line was moving with the pace of a sleepy snail out for a Sunday walk. Nick was at the front of the bunch and made a lot of noise. He wore a plastic silver tiara, probably intended for children, but it was neetly pushed down on his head and he seemed to feel fabolous. He danced to the music that found its way out of the club in the November night, people had to back away to avoid getting themselves a bout of his long orangutang arms. The atmosphere in the line was great, there was laughter and happy faces, and Nick's terrible dance moves was contagious, so more and more people began to crank it around with arms and legs. Harry wanted to roll his eyes, but didn't. He actually wanted to try to see the good in the situation, now that he was forced to be here. He did not dance, he refused to dance in a line. But he at least didn't roll his eyes. Mentally, he patted himself on the shoulder, because he was doing so good.

...

Now they were inside. Harry had been to a strip club once before, it was several years ago, he had managed to get into a club with a fake id, and it had been a plain old club with girls of different shapes and sizes that stood and shook their breasts on a black floor with neon lights cutting the room like laser beams. That was before he had realized that he actually liked guys. He had just turned 16 and could now, when he was 20, not understand that he had been able to fool the doorman that he was 18+. Until this day, he didn't know if he had wrinkled his nose at the naked bodies because he actually was gay, he just did not know it yet, or because he already had a strong opinion of people who undressed as a profession.

But now he had returned to a place like that. To celebrate Nick, who turned 25 and promptly would bring all his friends, gay as well as straight, to a gay strip club. And it was on this very day that Niall had gotten Harry up off the couch and out in the cold November night. Harry handed over his jacket to cloakroom attendant and received a white number plate that he stuffed in his back pocket. He followed the gang further into the room, there was a long bar counter along the wall on his right side, and the floor in front of the bar was basically one big dance floor. He had expected to step into a big dark room and falling straight down into a red velvet sofa with suspect spots, and find himself sitting way too close to the stage, but this place actually looked quite okay. Modern, classy, and apparently you had to move to another room to even get to the stage with the oppressed dancers. Harry was satisfied.

Zayn came up to Harry with a glass of wine and said, "Here, I'm bying." Harry smiled and accepted the glass. He liked his friends. If you are 1) A guy and 2) Gay, people ususally without any hesitation assumed that you either want a beer or a colorful sweet drink, but his friends had learned that Harry most preferably drank wine when he was out like this. He rarely drank wine at home, he was happy with a glass of whiskey, but when he was out, he'd always chose wine. He took a sip of the icy liquid in the rounded glass and immediately felt that it was really a long time since he had been out last. When he thought about it, it was probably a year ago since he had been out partying, and therefore actually a year ago he had had a glass of wine. He made a huh- look and took another sip. He still wasn't pleased to be at a strip club, but it actually felt surprisingly good to be out with his friends and holding a cold glass of wine. He could feel a relaxed feeling fill his body.

Zayn leaned toward Harry and said, "Want to go to the next room? With the stage? Harry raised an eyebrow and looked at Zayn. "Do you?" he said as counter question. He was surprised, Zayn wasn't gay, Harry couldn´t quite understand why Zayn wanted to change seats to the stripper place.

His dark-haired friend shrugged and said, "I've never seen a guy strip before, may well be interesting. The music in here sucks, so I don't feel like dancing. Why not hang out be the stage and chill?"

Harry nodded his head towards the doorway with the red bead curtain. "Okay." he said and they started walking.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Mia and Harry had a little conversation wether it exists happy strippers or not, in chapter 1 if you remember. My original thought was that this subject would be more prominent in the fic... but it kinda just faded away... 
> 
> So I am sorry, if you're sitting there confused wondering where that little piece of, as we say in my language, "red thread" went... Just, drop it, or something. Never mind it. Ignore Mia, she will not appear more in this fic. Sorry. Keep on reading! Take care! :)

The lights in the next room were dim. A variety of sofas and chairs in large groups around round tables were placed around the room. The music was not as in loud here, the whole area was more isolated and felt snug in some strange way. Harry sat himself down in a chair placed against the wall at the very back of the room and crossed his arms over his chest, wine glass still in one hand. He was comfortable now, but Zayn came standing before him, saying, "Hey, don't be silly, come on, let's sit closer."

Harry got up and followed Zayn. They sat down in a deep sofa, way too close to the stage for Harry to be comfortable with it. There were loads of empty glasses on the table that the bartender from the bar inside the room quickly came up to clear away. "You want anything from the bar?" she asked with a pretty smile as she wiped the table with a dish cloth.

Zayn shook his head and said "No thanks, I'm fine." and then looked at Harry. "You want anything?" he said, but Harry held up his wineglass without saying a word. It didn't feel good at all to be there. Had it been anyone other than Zayn, he had most likely got up up and left the room. But Zayn... he could trust him. He was not the one to fuck around when the situation didn't allow it, and this situation were nothing to fuck around with. So Harry relaxed a bit, took a sip of his wine and let his eyes wander up on stage. A fair-haired guy with way too much muscles were promenading along up there, making obscene movements against the pole on the floor. Harry made a disapproval face. Muscles had never been his thing. Sure, it could be sexy, but when it really came down to it... nah, not too muscular, that didn't rock his boat.

The big guy went down from the stage smiling from the audience's cheers. Harry was surprised at how much so few people could sound. Besides he and Zayn it was only five more people in the room. They screamed and yelled even louder when the next guy came up on the lighted stage. Again it was muscles, a guy in cowboy clothes. Harry had expected that he would be involuntarily hard by the dancers, but still nothing had happened inside his black jeans.

When the cowboy had stripped all the way, ending up in nothing but a small thong, he kicked his pile of clothing off the stage and went off stage during great ovations. A third guy showed up. Harry and Zayn were involved in a discussion about the hysteria surrounding Christmas shopping and Harry almost didn't pay the third guy a glance. However, he was prettier than the other two, he discovered when his gaze wandered away just to check him out. He had pretty ordinary clothes on, and was not nearly as fit as the others. After eyeing the cute guy top to bottom, with his eyes still an extra second at the crotch, were the guy, after opening his pants, showed the audience a pair of black latex briefs, Harry turned his attention to Zayn again, who described the ice cream machine he had bought for his mother for Christmas last year.

Guy number three danced, undressed and were strutting off the stage, again during loud cheers. More people had arrived now, they were 12 people in the room at this moment, Harry counted them in as sheep, him and Zayn included. He didn't know why he felt the need to know how many people they were in there, but now he was satisfied, felt a bit in control. He started to talk about the poor hamster his sister Gemma had gotten one Christmas, but that turned out to be a rat, and their mother had refused to have it in the house and they had to return it, both kids weeping and crying until their dad had come home with a box of stick insects instead. Zayn laughed heartily and drank the last of his beer. He held up the glass and pointed to the bar with raised eyebrows. The ultimate sign of "I'll go to the bar and buy another drink, you want anything?"

Harry shook his head, he was still pleased with his wine glass and took a sip while Zayn squeezed past him.

More music resounded from the speakers, and Harry realized that it was time for the fourth poor bastard to step out on the stage. In lack of something better to do while Zayn was away, Harry peered over at the red bead curtain at the end of the stage. He wondered if it would be a little less of the dressing up now, after the last guy really had looked like the guy next door, or if it would go to any extreme to make up for it, like, a punk rocker in peacock costume... The tension is unbearable, he thought ironically to himself, which in the next second made him snort embarrassed. No talking to myself, he thought, and in a hast erased all future jokes he had in stock.

He took a sip of the wine while he watched the stage. It was almost exciting. Almost. Would he laugh or get bored? Amazed or stand up and leave the room? Whatever it would be, he would for sure continue to think it was inhumane and disrespectful, that he did not doubt for a second.

So now the curtain rustled a bit, and a pretty little hand found its way through it. Harry sat himself up more comfortable. How would now this monstrosity look like? He pulled a hand through his hair, only to in the next moment find himself staring without mercy, chin falling down, and the wine glass that was coming up to meet his lips again, stopped halfway.

That poor guy number four looked neither like the guy next door, nor a peacock. Harry didn't have words to describe what he saw stepping out on the stage. He could only stare, and stare more, and stare much more. The young man who had now left the curtain behind him took slow and easy steps across the stage. He was divinely beautiful, Harry couldn't decide if he was cute or handsome. Or if he was just divinely beautiful, nothing more, nothing less. A work of art, walking across a black painted stage and showered with red lights. A small smile played across his lips, and Harry couldn't understand how he could look so contented. He was a stripper. Unhappy and controlled and all that. But he looked damn pleased. Harry's hand with the wine glass in, hovered steadily in the air in front of his chest, he could feel his gaze being nailed to the beautiful human on the stage, who were now gracefully touching his own body, and Harry couldn't understand that he just couldn't take his eyes off him.

The hand that held the wineglass descended slowly slowly. Eventually it settled in his lap, placed wobbling on one thigh. Zayn came up to Harry with a beer in hand, opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He saw Harry's intense gaze on the man at the stage, and realized it would take a while for him to get a proper attention from Harry again. Zayn's gaze registered the wineglass standing alarming obliquely slanted, and gently coaxed it out of Harry's hand. The operation got Harry to take his eyes from the stage, looking at Zayn with shiny eyes, he probably hadn't blinked for a few too many minutes, and opened his mouth just like Zayn had done, with the good intention to say something to his friend, but then closed it again.

His gaze wandered back to the young man on the stage and then he quietly scolded himself for behaving like some kind of lion that looked a little gazelle in the savanna. He realized he was staring, he also realized that this was what he was suppose to do, he was after all, at a strip club, enjoying the sight of someone who had gone up on a stage in that very purpose, but that didn't mean that HE would do it. He thought of course that this was wrong, that it was pity for those who were forced into this employment, wrong wrong wrong to enjoy watching someone show up on a stage, dancing around a stripper pole...

"Zayn... what..." he started to say, but the words ran out. He couldn't form a single sensible sentence. He blushed at his behaviour, but stop looking at what was happening on stage, he simply could not.

The clothes covering the mans darn pretty bum, was a pair of shorts. A pair of blue short cut jean shorts. When he did a few slow spins on the stage so the audience could see him from behind, Harry sucked in his lower lip into his mouth and bit down hard with his teeth, staring, staring, staring.

Now, the beautiful human being, had the stripper pole behind him and the audience in front of him. He leaned back against the pole with his hands held above his head. He slowly bent his knees and slid down a bit, before he pushed off with his feet, and stood up with legs straight. The music had a strong bass and even if there wasn't a single dance step in the young man's movements, Harry saw that his body followed the beat. Harry felt an urgent need to adjust himself. He refused to believe it was because his member had awakened, and therefore completely ignored the uncomfortable feeling. He was staring still at the stripper. His arms were still raised above him, holding on to the silver bar, and he leaned his head to one side and closed his eyes. Harry was almost provoked, it looked like he was standing there enjoying dancing for him. And, well, eleven other people. Harry swallowed. And continued to stare.

A pair of suspenders were tied to the shorts, the black stripes went up his chest, over the shoulders and down the back. He had a white, short sleeve t-shirt on. A t-shirt that was cut off, so that his tummy was showing. And what a tummy. Harry swallowed again. It was the most perfect tummy he had ever seen. The lining on the jeans shorts, and the cut off edge on the t-shirt, perfectly framed that little soft body part perfectly. If the first two had been really muscular, and the third more normal, this guy was an orgy in perfect; perfect tummy, perfect arms, perfect thighs, and curves. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but the stripper really had curves!

Harry felt an bestial need to throw himself forward and let his teeth sink into all the skin he saw before him on stage. His conscience scolded him so the windows were rattling. His enthusiastic inner self bowed his head in shame as he tried to explain, 'But... have you seen him... ? Look at him... have you SEEN him... ?'.

His conscience was relentlessly - Harry behaved unethically and should immediately stand up and leave the room.

Harry ignored his conscience. Because without even mentioning the way-too-short-cut shirt, the tiny denim shorts, and the black suspenders, the stripper had on boots. Thigh high. White. In patent leather.

Harry felt almost sickened by his behaviour, but he continued to ignore his conscience and let his eyes enjoy themselves. Other parts of him also wanted to feel some pleasure but they were outvoted by his grumpy conscience.

White, high heeled patent leather boots. That ended high up on the thighs, just a few inches from the frayed jeans. Harry wanted to rub his eyes but was afraid it would turn out to be a dream, so he didn't. He continued to stare. He focused on the small piece of bare skin which appeared between the jeans and the boots.

The stripper released the pole now and slowly walked across the stage. He walked to the far end with swaying hips, and did a little spin. Then he took small slow steps back toward the centre of the stage again, while letting his fingers slide along the straps up and down and up again.

Harry gulped and ignored a little bit more that certain parts of him needed some physical attention. He let his hands lie still on his thighs. This didn't affect him. At all. Nope, njet, nada. Not at all actually. He just... observed a little. You could call it art perhaps? Yes. Arts. Especially now, when the divinely handsome man in front of him so slowly that it hurt inside Harry, let his one suspender strap slide down one of his shoulders. It was purely painful to watch, Harry knew that soon also the other strap would slide down and then it was only natural for this particular place on earth, that additional items would leave the darkhaired young man's body, little by little, until he would stand there on the stage, almost...

No, Harry just couldn't have it like this anymore. He had to infinitely slowly, to not disclose to Zayn what he did, bring down his hand onto his pants to adjust himself. He didn't mean to make it good for himself in any way, God no, his intention was really just to adjust himself so the straining, tight feeling in his pants would go away, but as soon as he touched himself, it seemed like he was magnetic, and he just had to squeeze once. Thankfully, he could stop himself from moaning, it would've been terribly embarrassing to sit there, touching himself moaning, at a strip club. Before he removed his hand again, he squeezed himself again, just quickly, no one was looking. When the hand had landed on the thigh again and all was cool, he gazed at Zayn who looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

Harry frowned, mumbled something completely unintelligible, and then looked away. Well, of course he looked towards the stage again. Both suspender straps now hung around the handsome stripper's hips. Harry swallowed. How was it possible for a guy to have hips like his? He was again given an impulse to run up on stage, he wanted to put arms and legs on the boot-clad god up there, get them both on the floor and then he wanted to.... Then he wanted to...

Oh! What the hell was he doing?! He wanted to take all the thoughts that popped up, for now they began to attack him in a great fucking speed, and put in a black box, and lock and throw the key into a deep lake. He didn't want to have that kind of thoughts about the man up there. It really didn't feel okay.

'But Harry'... said his easily aroused inner self. 'He's standing right there for you to look at him. That's the whole point. It's not even your fault that you're in this place, you were forced to come here, you might as well enjoy yourself while being here. Let go! Whoho!'

Harry closed his eyes. Tried pushing aside the little voice and instead take up the conscience. It was hard. Harry wondered if it was past bedtime for it, because it was very quiet from the critical voice.

Harry sighed a little and gave up, just a tiny bit. All right. He might look a little, without a guilty conscience. Just a little. To encourage the guy on stage. He would of course want to have an audience, now that he was standing there.

Harry relaxed a bit now that his conscience had gone to bed and his merry inner self merely had settled down to watch with him.

But, by the minute, it became more and more untenable to sit there in the room and watch what was happening on stage. Harry felt excited beyond all reason. Was this the punishment for not having been dating for over a year? For not having had sex for over a year? For not to - Harry sighed - even having touched himself in a very very long time... ? It was several months since he had done that. His ex-boyfriend had made Harry to resist it, he thought he would save himself for the moments they had together, and that ban had stayed deep in Harry's body. It was a long time ago since Harry had been feeling weird to ignore any need to relieve himself, to instead wake up in an explosion in the middle of the night, body jerking and soaking the sheets. He was so used to it that it felt strange to start again. He had tried quite a few times after the separation, but soon stopped, it still felt shameful to be by himself with his pleasure.

Harry's throat felt dry. He poured himself the almost last drops of the wine and enjoyed how it slid down his throat. He realized that he had been sitting with his mouth open a little too long. He closed his mouth and tried to breathe through the nose instead. The brunette on the stage now let his hands slide up his tummy - damn it, that tummy! - and under the short shirt. And now he closed his eyes again. Harry was almost pissed off, there must be limits to how much you could enjoy standing on a stage touching yourself!

Hands slid back down over his stomach, and down to the hem of the shorts. With light fingers, he slowly unbuttoned the top button, closely followed by the rest. He opened the shorts a little, and unconsciously Harry concentrated to see what was inside of them, before the young man turned and with his back to Harry (and the others, as in Harry's world more and more disappeared into the periphery) pulled his little t-shirt over his head in one smooth motion. Harry pulled noisily for breath at the sight of the naked back. He heard Zayn chuckle beside him, but he said nothing and Harry said nothing. Harry really didn't want to talk about this the next day and hoped that Zayn could keep his mouth shut. He thought he remembered a saying that was "What happens at the strip club with red bead curtain and a damn fucking sweet stripper in patent leather boots, stays at the strip club with red bead curtain and a damn fucking sweet stripper in patent leather boots".

He thought that was an excellent saying.

Still with his back to the audience, the beauty put his suspenders up over his shoulders again, and after that turned, and with graceful steps went forward to the edge of the stage. He made some pretty, oh so pretty, moves with the pole, before dropping down to the floor, standing on hands and knees, like a pliant frikkin cat! He did a few crawling steps, the sharp boot heels pointing up toward the ceiling. Harry wondered if he was drooling. Then he wondered why on earth he felt his whole body reacting to a guy crawling around on a floor in patent leather boots. Then he wondered again if he was drooling. He wasted no time and energy to find out. His whole consciousness had as a focus to NOT go ahead and start wanking off like crazy there on the couch, he was proud of every second he managed to let his hands be still.

Now the stripper guy sat kneeling on the stage. Harry gulped and really just wanted to get up and get out of there. How could this affect him so strongly, seeing a guy sitting on his knees on a stage? He didn't even see his sweet face, he sat with his back against the audience.

Now Harry enjoyed the very last of the wine, but almost choked on it, for now the stripper put his feet on the floor and stood up - but only with his legs, they stretched out so that he stood with completely straight legs until the perfect goddamn ass were pointing up in the air, hands touching the floor, it was dangerously close for Harry getting up to rush into the nearest toilet.

But he didn't. Partly to not leave Zayn alone, and partly because he didn't think he would be able to finish it anyway. He had failed 20 times before, why would tonight work out?

He sat there, watching the strippers back come up so that he was now standing straight again, left hand landed on an pushed out hip with a small smack, and then Harry saw a pair of bright blue eyes peeking over a bare shoulder. Straight at him.

Harry stood up so quickly that the table in front of him was almost pushed over. Empty glasses clinked and Harry hurried away from the soft couch, the rickety table, the chuckling friend - who hurried after Harry as best he could - and the beautiful, cute, divine and crazy sexy stripper who was showing a small smile as he picked up his shirt from the stage floor and walked off, with swaying hips. Dear God, his hips...

His number was over. The crowd cheered. The loved Tommo the Tease. He never stripped down to just his underwear - or less - like most others, he used to keep pretty much clothes on, yet he was immensely popular.

 

...

 

Harry was leaning against the brick wall outside the club, trying to catch his breath. His eyes wandered around, he didn't know where to look. He cursed to himself "Fuck fuck fuck fuck... fuck... What the hell... Shit."

Zayn popped up like a jack in the box. "Hi, how are you?" he asked.

Harry just stared at him.

"Are you not feeling well...? Have you been drinking too much?" Zayn asked with a barely concealed smile.

Harry still didn't reply.

"Want to go home?" Zayn wondered.

Harry nodded.

Zayn reached out his hand and said, "Give me your number plate for the cloak room, I'll get your coat."

Harry, still silent, found out his plate in his pocket and gave it to Zayn as he felt the doorman looked uneasily at him. Don't worry my friend, I 'm not going to faint, Harry thought, and looked the other way.

...

 

Harry brushed his teeth. The time was 1:14 a.m. and it felt as if the evening had been endless, while it at the same time felt that it had flown by before Harry had a change to even blink. For the others in the gang the night had barely begun, but Harry was fully satisfied that it was already time to sleep for him. He knew Zayn were not complaining that he had been leading a dizzy Harry home, Zayn was not very interested in being out and partying, he liked to sleep and Harry knew that his phone would be free from any calls or texts from his friend until after lunch the following day. At the earliest.

He had showered as soon as he got home, he hated to get into the bed without a shower after a night out, and he had steadfastly let his throbbing penis be. It was difficult to wash himself without simultaneously caress himself just a little, but he managed.

He spat out the toothbrush foam, rinsed the sink and turned off the light on the way out of the bathroom. Once in bed, he fell asleep like a log.

...only to wake up one hour later, frantically rubbing up against the mattress and with images of Tommo the Tease before his eyes, stain his sheets, groaning.

He quickly fell asleep again after sneaking up washing himself and put a towel over his sheets - for who would have the energy to change bedding in the middle of the night - and then slept a restless sleep until lunch the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the beginning, Tommo's outfit is described. This is the one... http://does-it-matter-where-we-were.tumblr.com/post/70103545434

A week had passed. It was Saturday again. Harry hadn't been able to stop thinking about the dark-haired beauty at the strip club, and was now going crazy. Zayn hadn't brought up the topic even once, so even if Harry had wanted to talk about his ungodly thoughts that refused to leave his head, he couldn't. Because he refused to be the one who brought the subject up first. He was fighting a lonesome struggle. The struggle between his conscience and this horny inner self. His conscience, which like a disappointed mother sat facing away with arms crossed, glaring at Harry over its shoulder, had countless conflicts with his ever semi hard inner self, who begged Harry to go to the club again on Saturday, please, please, let's go , please say yes?!

Harry sat with his cell phone in hand. It was Saturday afternoon. His thumbs hovered over the glowing letters on the screen. He really wanted to go to the strip club again, but he didn't want to go alone and he didn't want to ask Zayn. And he really had no one else to ask. He let his right hand let go of the grip of the cell phone and put his index finger to his mouth and absentminded bit on the side of it. He fixed his eyes far away. Considered advantages against disadvantages to ask Zayn to come along, or to go by himself. Countless silent discussions with himself later, he put down the cell phone. He had decided. He would go by himself. He wouldn't even go there to drink or meet people, he would put on a nice shirt, fix the hair, gulp down two glasses of wine, go to the club and watch Tommo the Tease in secret, then he would go home. "To have a good wank!" added his horny inner self pleased and refused to erase a little smile, no matter how much Harry tried to ignored it. He didn't wank. He just didn't. Any more. He would just watch, then go home and sleep.

...

There was a line to the bar this Saturday as well. No snow though. Harry was a little surprised that he was actually on his way into the club, this was certainly something he'd not see himself do, just ten days ago. Honestly, he thought he'd never feel any overwhelming feelings again, after being dumped in a pretty brutal way by a boyfriend who had spent the last three years to convince Harry that he wasn't worth anything and just were aloud to do things if he first had asked for permission. Somehow, it was like a little revenge against James, that Harry were actually standing here, alone, feeling strongly about something.

That this 'something' was an anonymous stripper with curves from hell, wasn't really important to point out. The main thing was that Harry was dedicated to something.

The line was moving and Harry was welcomed into the club. The same procedure as last time, paying the fee, leave his jacket, get the number plate - and then he steered the steps towards the room with the stage. There was a tingling in his stomach. It felt like he was doing something really stupid, but he kept going, step by step, until he found himself in the dimmed room with a strange sense of coming home settling in his body. He crept along the wall and felt like a dirty old man when he took a chair and sat in the far back. He had no idea if he would see what he came there to see, he just hoped it was the same schedule as the last time. Therefore, he got very happy when that cute guy got up on stage again, the one that would have been number three last Saturday.

Once the number three 's performance was over, Harry had to lean forward and almost put his head between his knees, he suddenly felt dizzy. His heart was beating hard in his chest and he wondered if this was how it felt to have a panic attack. Then he saw in the corner of his eye that someone got up on stage. Before he let his gaze wander there, he prayed a quick prayer that it would be Tommo the Tease and nobody else, and his body was instantly filled with relief when he saw the keen eyes look out over the audience. Lively blue eyes, dark hair ('As made for holding onto when riding!' his excited inner self pointed out, but Harry ignored it with all his will) and that body! Damn it, that body! The white boots was not present this evening, Tommo stepped onto the stage, barefoot, with black jeans and a gray T-shirt with a fair amount of cleavage, and cut into lots of strips and tied together on one side.

Harry gasped. How the hell... ? What was the guy wearing!? How could someone look so divinely fucking sexy - and - at the same time - so cute?? He was about to stand up to leave, no way in hell he'd be able to sit still and watch that... that ... that DOLL, dance on stage...!

But he remained seated. Of course he did. When it was over (and Tommo the Tease slowly trotted off the stage with the shirt in his hand and the black jeans a bit slid down, but still on) Harry quickly rose and stumbled out of the room. He had been hiding as best he could, behind pillars and fat men, but his eyes had still been caught several times by the god up on stage.

He didn't catch a cab, he needed to walk. His head was buzzing and he wanted to blame the music, but it really hadn't been so loud that it would affect him like this. He could perhaps maybe possibly possibly maybe (maybe!) wrap his head around the fact that the buzz in his head was there because he was so insanely confused about his own feelings right now, but just maybe! It could be the music too. Could be.

Or well... Okay... it could be the fact that he had become totally captivated by an anonymous stripper and simply couldn't stop thinking about him. At work, he thought about his hips, on the subway on the way home, he saw the curve of his waist in front of him, when he made himself tea in the evening, he saw the dark hair. At night he dreamed about him constantly. And his sleep was constantly interrupted by too-frequent sensations that doubled his bookings in the building's common laundry room.

...

The next Saturday was the worst day he had ever experienced. His whole body was screaming with desire to get to see that pretty boy again, but his logic told him it's not fucking healthy to sneak around at strip clubs and only watch one guy and then leave. His conscience scolded him so the windows were rattling - 'You will look like a damn freak if you continue to show up there every Saturday and sit wedged in a corner just when Tommo the Tease are onstage, then disappear back home!'. Somehow, his conscience had given up its fight to get Harry to realize that it's wrong to hang around at the strip club, the focus were moved on to getting him to realize that you simply don't go and fall in love with anonymous strippers.

Harry respectfully ignored his conscience/logical thinking. He had to see Tommo the Tease again. Just one more time. One last time, perhaps, he added to appease his conscience. Just tonight, and then never again.

Same procedure as last week. Gulp down some wine, get to the club, freeze in the line, getting inside, stare and leave. No biggie really.

Just when Tommo had stepped off the stage and Harry would scramble up to leave, a tall man stepped up and took place in front of the stripper pole. He had a microphone in his hand and snapped his finger in it to test if it was on. The sound echoed in the room and Harry grimaced. He was about to take a first step on the uncomfortable journey home (it was a blizzard tonight, so he planned to take a cab, and he was inhumanly hard, so to sit would be appalling) when he reacted to what the man on the stage said. "I just want to take this opportunity to remind you that it's possible to buy a lap dance from our amazing dancers here at the club. Our regulars have probably heard this, but for those of you who are new visitors, this is a fairly new invention. All you need to do is put your order to the bartender, and we'll arrange a little extra adventure for you here. So, put your order, pay in advance, and remember that you can not touch the guys, but they can touch you. Welcome to bring in your orders!".

Harry felt his conscience/logic/all wit and senses he's ever had, leave his body faster than he could blink and he found himself suddenly in the bar, hearing himself say, "Tommo the Tease. I want Tommo the Tease. Oh, I mean, that he strips for me. No, dance. Lap dance. I want a lap dance. By Tommo the Tease. Please..."

The bartender had an amused look on her face and answered his rambling with an amount of money that in Harry's ears were far too high for whatever he was buying, but he nodded and gave the bartender his card. Then he went back to sit down in his chair again. A second later he got up and went back to the bar and bought a glass of wine. Then back again. It felt like he was having an out of body experience. He couldn't believe he really was doing this. Two songs came and went, and a third had begun. Harry was still in chaos and would rather run home, but he had already paid for what was coming, and he hadn't taken a receipt so he probably couldn't make a complaint about the purchase. Was there even a way to make a complaint about a lap dance? Whether before or after it had occurred? Harry didn't know, but he didn't have time to think about it because suddenly he was standing in front of him. Tommo. The Tease. Harry swallowed. Tommo smiled. "Hello." he said. Harry's eager inner self fainted hearing Tommo the Teases voice. It was like soft caramel and a crackling campfire, a caressing bloody spring breeze! Harry still wanted to run away, but forced a "Hey..." and looked up at the dark-haired beauty in front of him.

"I heard that you had ordered me." Tommo said.

Harry choked on air.

He started coughing and attempted to remove the images that popped into his head before he could think, pictures of him with Tommo the Tease on a silver platter, ordered, paid for and delivered.

"Uh, yeah..." he replied. "Now, how is this gonna work out... ? I mean... um, I mean... What are you gonna do?"

"I'll dance for you, very very close to you." Tommo said. "Can you handle that?" he added with a small smile.

Harry blushed.

"I guess so... " he mumbled.

Then, Tommo got going. Harry heard the words from the tall man on the stage echoing in his head, "You can not touch the guys, not touch the guys, not touch the guys." so he didn't dare move a muscle, in fear of accidentally touching Tommo the Tease so that he would become angry and cancel the lap dance before it was time to end it.

Seated at a safe distance from the stage, Harry could actually handle the swaying hips, he could handle all the blinding beauty, he had no problem with behaving reasonably normal as his eyes followed the mesmerizing walk over the stage. But this close... It was like purgatory, he thought he might actually die. Tommo was so close, so close. Now, Harry saw the rhythm that filled the dark-haired beauty's body, he moved along with the music, behind Harry, in front of Harry, he turned his back to Harry to let the round ass rotate too close to Harry for him to feel comfortable. He had problems, serious problems keeping his breathing easy and unforced, and began to regret that he had done this. He wondered when it would end. Tommo was so close that Harry could smell him. Or, actually it probably was just some skin product he could catch the scent of, but he realized then and there that he would suffer from hyperventilation for the rest of his life, every time he would feel that actual scent again.

Tommo the Tease turned around, the one hundred percent perfect bum disappeared from Harry's eyes, Tommo placed his feet close to Harry's, his thighs touching Harry's long legs, he was coming closer and closer Harryś torso with rhythmic movements, feets moving with small steps. Harry's breathing hitched and all he could think was "What if he can feel that I have a boner, he may feel that I have a boner, I'm so fucking nervous, how can I even have a boner now?".

Tommo the Tease put his arms around Harry's neck, still with hips swaying to the music, leaned forward and said in a low voice, almost just a a whisper "Relax.. It's just a bit of dancing... It's almost over, enjoy the last minutes now." and Harry dared to actually relax a little at his words.

With arms firmly around Harry's neck Tommo lowered his rotating hips against Harry and made movements that were dangerously close to sexual movements. Harry felt that all calmness he had dared to get a grip on disappeared, and now his heart beat 200 beats a minute, he had trouble breathing and he began to get really fucking nervous that his painfully hard cock would get out of his pants Houdini-style and molest Tommo, cute sexy sweet Tommo.

When the lap dance was over and Tommo released his grip on Harry's neck to back away from him, he smiled an enigmatic smile and said "Thanks for the dance, hope to see you again." before he turned and went back behind the bar to disappear.

Harry sat on the chair for a few seconds, it felt as if he had been run over by a train. Then he got up. He needed to get home. Quick.

...

Back home, he brushed his teeth thoroughly. He flossed. He undressed, one piece of clothing at a time, and put in the laundry basket. The shirt didn't need to be washed, so he folded it neatly and placed on a chair.

Then he put the water on in the shower.

Then he stepped in the shower and let himself get all soaked by the hot water.

Then he had to brace himself against the cold tiles to keep from dropping on his knees when he with frenzy stroked his rock hard cock while images of Tommo the Tease went past before his eyes one by one by one. He bit his lip so hard that it started bleeding when he reached his climax and then a long loud groan escaped from his throat in the quiet bathroom while he emptied himself against the white walls.

That night he slept calmly.


	4. Chapter 4

Three Saturdays had come and gone since the night Harry got a lap dance by Tommo the Tease. Or, technically, three Saturdays had not really gone, because it was still a few minutes left of the third one. Harry was laying in his couch, tried to follow a lousy movie on the tv. It was a romantic comedy that Niall had recommended but Harry could barely follow the plot, it was a long time since he had watched such a bad movie. He had no plans for the next day so therefore he didn't hurry to go to bed. He planned to watch another movie but his stomach rumbled like crazy, he wanted to eat something.

Harry got up and went into the kitchen. Opened the fridge, looking for something edible with no luck. Opened the pantry, maybe he could make himself a sandwich? Could he find a cookie? A forgotten bag of crisps? Empty. He scratched his chin and realized that maybe it was time for a little trip to the food market. It could be next day's big happening.

He had been pretty distracted these weeks... However, he had not visited the strip club anymore. The amazing orgasm he had experienced - from beginning to end when awake! - in his shower that night had made him realize that there might be an light in the end of the tunnel, when it came to the miserable slush he had walked around in since the breakup with James. It sounded really goofy, but it was somehow that he had rediscovered himself, he was starting to know who he was and who he wanted to be, by actually have managed to give himself that experience.

Yes, somehow it was as if he had no need to see Tommo the Tease anymore. Or... Hm. All right. That was a lie. It was all he thought about. If he would be honest.

But, it was well more so that he didn't physically need to see Tommo any more, to feel good. He felt better in himself. On some other damn level, however, he was literally going crazy. He couldn't stop thinking about Tommo. He understood logically that Tommo the Tease was a strip dancer who had as a profession to make people crazy watching him, but in a more non-rational level, he was totally in love with this stranger, who had whispered soothing words to him while he made obscene movements in his lap. He realized he was in love from a distance, in a person that didn't exist, his real name was probably not anything like his stage name, but something within Harry made him incapable to stop thinking about him.

Therefore, he avoided the strip club. If he only stayed away long enough, his thoughts would cool down, and he could move on with his life. It was a good plan.

His stomach rumbled again and he groaned loudly in the tiny kitchen, he needed to eat something! Would he bake something maybe? He hurried to the pantry again, what is needed for making something sticky with chocolate? Flour? Cocoa? Sugar! He lit up when he saw that everything was neatly lined up on a shelf. He hurried over to the fridge, he'd probably need eggs and butter, to the least. Maybe milk? Cream?

His happy mood vanished when he realized that nothing needed for a late cakemaking was available in the fridge. He looked at his watch, then out the window. It was after midnight and there was a blizzard outside. Was it worth it?

Harry decided that it was worth it. In another life he probably had been a woman, for he had an unhealthy relationship to chocolate that made him crave chocolate from time to time, and if he couldn't have it, nothing else would do, and it would feel like everything in the world were going against him. Nothing could replace the chocolate cravings, and that was why he grimly put on his boots, coat, gloves and a black beanie, and stepped out the door.

...

Inside the small supermarket, rows of fluorescent lights put a bluish glow over food and hygiene products. Harry hung a basket over his arm and put down eggs, butter and cream from the refrigerated cases, then he remembered that he had completely run out of cereal, so he ran into the dry goods, then he looked forward to run straight home to make that longed-for cake. His mouth was already watering at the thought of the chocolaty sticky cake-thing he would soon enjoy.

He turned around the corner and let his eyes wander along the shelves, now, where were his favourite cereal? He let a finger follow the packages until he finally reached the brand he wanted. He grabbed the box and while he lifted it down from the shelf, he placed his gaze far away to take aim at checkouts - and met a pair of bright blue eyes, looking straight at him.

Harry's hand that held the cereal box was put at a halt. "Oh, are we doing this again?" muttered the muscles in his arm, they had the night at the strip club in recent memory, as they had to hold up his wine glass in thin air far too long. "Same old, same old, it's mr Good looking guy again, but do you really need to just freeze when you see him?" the muscles whined dissatisfied.

Harry didn't hear his muscles, people usually don't, but if he had heard them, he would still have ignored them totally. For now not only the bright blue eyes looked at him, but the mouth belonging to them, smiled a little smile and Harry felt his whole bode turning into jelly. It was Tommo the Tease who stood before him. In the 24/7 super market. A basket on his arm just like Harry. Wearing gray joggers, a fluffy down jacket and a beanie. And glasses. He was what would be found in the dictionary if one was looking for the definition of "cozy."

Harry didn't know what to do. He held a convulsive grip on his cereal box and could only watch as Tommo looked down at the ground and with a slightly bigger smile, turning and walking toward the checkouts.

Harry wanted to drop everything he had in his hands to run after him, screaming. He wanted to explain that he had thought about him every day since that first evening with the high boots, and that he played up his lap dance in his mind a thousand times a day, that he felt like a little girl who was in love for the first time, but that he right now went through hell on earth because he was trying to get rid of those feelings because he realizes that you can't be in love with someone you don't know.

But he did none of that. Instead he took a tentative step forward in the empty aisle, and when that succeeded, he took another step. Then another one. The cereals found it's way into the basket ("Finally!" cried the muscles) and the same second he reached the checkouts, Tommo Tease opened the door and stepped out into the night without looking back .

Harry felt empty. Like suddenly nothing mattered. He didn't care about the chocolate cake. For he had been standing in the same aisle as Tommo the Tease but failed to do more than stare and hold up a box of cereals. And then Tommo the Tease left. Yes he had smiled at Harry, but maybe he smiled at all the dark-haired dudes who liked cereal. He probably didn't even recognize him.

Harry scolded himself as he stomped up to the checkout. He put up his things on the desk, ignored the alert cashier's "Hello!", paid, packed his things in a bag and walked out of there. He planned an old-fashioned comfort eating night now. He would eat the whole damn cake now. With lots of whipped cream. And then he would sleep and tomorrow would be a new day.

It had stopped snowing now but it was terribly cold. Harry pulled up the zipper of his jacket as far as he could and started walking. Then he heard someone clearing his throat behind him. He froze and turned around.

Every cell in his body gasped and put a hand over the heart by surprise.

"Hello." said Tommo the Tease with a smile.

Harry stared.

"Uh... we met in there, just now... I don't really know why, but... I wanted to stay and wait for you. Do you recognize me? Not from the store, but from... another place...?"

Harry couldn't answer. It was possible his tongue had turned into a stone in his mouth. He made an attempt to answer Tommo. He thought he managed to nod, he wasn't really sure.

Tommo the Tease looked pleased, that would probably mean that Harry had managed to behave normally and answer the question. Certainly, without using his vocal cords, but small steps are also steps.

Tommo the Tease held out his hand. "Hi. My name is Louis." he said.

Harry stared at the hand. Then he stared at Tommo... that apparently were named Louis? Then he stared on the hand again.

Yeah, sure, absolutely, now it was expected from him to also reach out his hand, and shake the hand already there. Right. Normal behaviour. Not-scare-away-divinely-cute-boy-behavior.

Harry gathered up all the strength he had to lift his hand and pressing it against Louis. He even managed to squeeze out a smile.

"What's your name...?" the divinely handsome in front of him asked.

Oh shit, now he had to talk too. Oh my goodness, these trials life exposed one of...

"Harr..." Harry had to clear his throat discreetly. "Harry." he replied.

Louis smiled again. "Hello Harry." he said. "Can I walk with you a bit? Are you going in this direction? I'm going that way too."

They started walking. Harry didn't know what was happening. He felt suspicious, sweaty, scared and horny all at the same time. He walked along an empty icy pavement with Tommo the Tease. With Louis. They were both carrying a bag from the supermarket, and Harry thought he would burst with all the emotions within him.

"I'm on my way home." Louis suddenly explained while the boys slowly walked next to each other. "Yeah, I've... been working." he said, glancing at Harry.

Harry didn't answer, didn't look at Louis, just concentrated on walking without tripping on his own feet.

Louis continued. "My fridge is completely empty, so I had to stop at the supermarket tonight, so at least I'd have breakfast tomorrow." he said, holding up his bag.

Harry strongly felt that he should respond. Engage in some way, so that the cute boy wouldn't soon be blurting out an "Okay, good to see you, bye!" and rush off.

Harry copied Louis gesture and held up his own bag. "Chocolate Cake." he said with a spasmodic smile and got a slap in the back of the head of his nervous inner self. 'Idiot! What do you mean 'chocolate cake', you have to say something more than that you stupid twat!" it hissed.

Harry went on quickly, "Well, I got this sudden craving for chocolate. Had no home. Had to shop."

He lowered his bag and smiled quickly to Louis and looked down on his feet.

"Oh, so you have a talent with stuff like that? To bake?" Louis said with a curious face.

"Well, yeah...I guess..." Harry mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. Would he tell him that he'd won two cake contests and was asked by everyone in the family to bake as soon as someone would have a party? Maybe not. Maybe he just seemed to brag if he did. He said nothing more.

"Cool" Louis said, kicking an empty soda can that came rolling towards them. "Hey..." he continued then. "I've seen you at the club a few times... But now it's been a while. I thought it was nice to have you in the audience. You're really cute."

Harry nearly died. Despite the icy wind, he felt his cheeks heat up. Oh dear God. What is he saying?!

"I wonder.. Don't get mad now, but.. I wonder if you have recently come out? Thus if it is lately you've... realized that you're gay?".

Harry was surprised! This was something he could easily answer, it was many years since he had realized that he liked guys, and quickly figured it was well certainly four years ago he came out to everyone amongst family and friends.

"Nooo!" he exclaimed with surprise clearly revealed in his voice.

Louis looked aghast. "Oh!" he replied. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to... I feel for you... I mean, you really have behaved as someone whose life has just changed radically, the way you've always seemed so nervous and amazed about everything, the way you suddenly started coming to the club, but has been sitting at the very back of the room, almost gone by unnoticed. It's just seemed as if you are very confused and... well... I don't know, I just wanted to... alert you that I understand how you feel. That I was also new to all this once." Louis turned to Harry and held up his hands in a deprecatory gesture, his bag bumped into his arm as he walked.

Harry wondered if he would explain. Describing how his life had been the last year. Explaining why he behaved as if he had just come out, which thinking of it, was probably a pretty understandable misconception. Harry blushed slightly as he remembered how he had sat stiff throughout the lap dance and beyond that, hade been creeping along the walls, alone, every Saturday. He really must've seemed like a gay just out of the closet.

He bit the inside of his cheek. Then looked at Louis. "It's a long story. Do you really want to hear it?"

Louis nodded. "Of course." he said.

So Harry started to tell Louis everything as they walked slowly through the ice cold night. With the exception of a few supplementary questions, some indignant exclamation (James had treated Harry like crap, to put it bluntly) and some "Mhm." Louis listened attentively during their walk. Harry had obviously left out some things... like the fact that Louis lap dance had been a crucial thing that got Harry to finally find the climax of his solitude, and that he had stopped going to the club for trying to get rid of his crush on Tommo the Tease, he instead explained his absence with not wanting to embarrass Louis by staring at him every Saturday.

"So... that's it." Harry finished and Louis replied with, "That's what I call timing. This is me." and gestured towards the door in the building they just came up to. They stopped walking.

"Thank you for to telling me all this. Please forgive me for assuming that you'd just come out of the closet." Louis said, smiling.

Harry smiled back." Don't worry. It's totally understandable."

"So, now that you know that I know all this, then surely it's okay to get back to the club? I've missed seeing you in the crowd." said Louis. "I promise that I won't be bothered by seeing you there."

Harry hesitated. He didn't really want to start going there again. He'd never get rid of these feelings if he did, these feelings that had duplicated, at least, by going for a slow walk with the object of his conflicted feelings, realizing that he wasn't only the most beautiful thing that walked on this earth, he was a lovely human being too.

"No... I mean... No, I don't think so." he mumbled.

Louis looked disappointed. Very disappointed. If Harry hadn't known better (that Louis is a stripper with a big heart who wants to draw customers to the club by caring about them) he would've believed that Louis had begun to have feelings for him, during that half-hour he estimated that the walk had lasted.

"Okay... " Louis said quietly. Then he smiled a crooked smile. "I understand. One can not hang out on a strip club every week. I understand... I had just hoped to see more of you. Okay. So, as I said. This is me. Uh. Take care. Maybe we'll meet some other time, in some other life..."

A brittle smile on Louis lips. He put his hand on the door handle. Suddenly looked nothing like the lively charmer who Harry thought of him as. He suddenly looked distressed.

Harry felt like he was standing with his toes pointing out over a cliff, thousand meter to the ground beneath him. Would he dare? Would he be making a fool out of himself? Or was it now or never, and he'd regret his choice a thousand times if he didn't dare?

He decided that he could do this.

"But I'd love to see you again." Harry said on an inhale. "If it's okay with you. Well, not at the club. Outside the club. Not with you as a stripper. I want to see you again. Maybe like... like a..." Harry blushed again. "... like a date..."

The sun were suddenly emerged from the dark night sky and placed inside Louis eyes. In an instant, he was beaming! The smile he gave Harry, standing with one foot inside the building already, was the most beautiful thing Harry had ever seen. All nervousness went away and Harry dared to smile back.

"Yes!" Louis said. "Yes! Absolutely! Yes! Oh, wow! Haha, sorry I babble. Oh, I'm so happy! Yes - I'd love to go on a date with you!" Louis managed to answer while Harry smiled big at him with a sense of calm in the body. He dared. And won.

In silence they exchanged phone numbers. Then Louis stepped into the building, and Harry continued down the street. The future seemed bright. He'd call Zayn tomorrow and tell him all about this. He'd be so insanely happy for Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well. Another chapter. Yeah! :)

Harry woke up late on Sunday morning, totally refreshed and satisfied. A strange and new feeling of happiness took up space in his belly like a big fluffy cotton ball, and unconsciously he smiled, before he even had opened his eyes. He let his long body stretch out in the bed and suddenly he remembered last night. His smile grew bigger - the future seemed so bright, and it was an amazing feeling!

He took his cell phone from the bedside table and turned it on. A text message squeaked out its arrival in the quiet room, and Harry felt a butterfly flutter its wings inside of him. It couldn't be from...? Not today, not already...?

He resolutely told himself that the message was from someone else, NOT from him, Louis. No. Not from him. Not already, if one ever would come. Maybe he just had been acting nice to Harry yesterday or something, like, noticed that the curly boy liked him and played along. Yep, it was a text message from someone else, not from Louis. It was from Niall. Or Zayn. Or mom. Maybe nana. The Prime Minister perhaps? Harry told himself that it was more likely that it was a text message from the Prime Minister, than from the beautiful boy he met at the grocery store tonight.

Nervously he took a deep breath and turned his mobile. The sender was "Louis". Harry felt a little nauseous, coming from some kind of mixture of anticipation, happiness and nervousness. He accessed the message and with a pounding heart, he could read, "Hi, my plan was to try and play a little hard to get, but that went straight down from the start! I have tried to resist to send you this all morning, but now I just couldn't wait any longer. When can we schedule that date of ours?? / Louis".

Harry was full of admiration for this man, so spontaneous and natural. So easy to like. He was eternally glad that Louis had been the first to text, Harry would've got crazy from the waiting, for he himself would never had dared to take this first step!

He typed a quick reply, knew that the longer he would hesitate, the more he would begin to regret and change what he wrote. The message read 'Hey, I'm really glad to hear from you! How does Friday sound for a date? / Harry" and then "send".

The answer came quickly; "Friday sounds perfect! Maybe go see a movie? And then tea at my place?"

Dear lord, Harry got so nervous from that answer! Tea at Louis' place?! Just the two of them, at his home?

Harry had to get up and out of bed to walk back and forth across the cold wooden floor of his small apartment. He felt almost sick from nervousness now. He walked over to the kitchen counter and grabbed an apple, taking a big bite out of it just to have something else to focus on.

He forced himself to breathe in slow, calm breaths. 'Do not get all excited now. It's nothing to be nervous about', he told himself. 'People date all the time. Louis probably has tea dates at his home every Friday, there's nothing strange at all. Nothing to be nervous about. Answer him now!'

With fingers slightly trembling, he wrote "Sounds great. Have you seen the latest movie with Jennifer Lawrence? If not, I wouldn't mind seeing it."

Again, the answer came quickly. "No, I've wanted to see that, awesome! You wanna catch the one at 6 o' clock, and then head to my place?"

"Okay!" Harry wrote back. He hesitated for a while with his thumb over the "send" button. Should he write something more? He should, shouldn't he. It looks a bit empty and boring maybe...? Just a little "Okay!"...?

Harry rolled his eyes at himself, he behaved like a nervous little teenager. He added :) and sent the message.

"It's a date then! Friday 12/12 at 6,30 (we gotta have time to buy popcorn and see the ads!) Let's meet outside the cinema, then watch the movie, and then home to me. Awesome! See you!" was the answer glowing on Harry’s phone. He smiled at the enthusiasm that shone through in Louis messages.

He sent ":)" and then put away his phone to start preparing his breakfast. It was time to shop for grocery today, it was truly needed. The apple he chewed on was the last fresh bite he had home.

...

It was Friday. Harry had so far changed his shirt six times and he was going to rip off the seventh. His heart was beating too fast, he was sweating too much and he swore a lot more than he had ever done before. He was crazy nervous and most of all he wanted to just call off the whole damn thing.

When he had put on the eighth shirt, he doubtfully looked at his reflection in the mirror, but decided in the end that this was what he would have to settle for. Then he looked at the time. He was late!

He rushed around the apartment like a scalded rat, whisking up a jacket, his cell phone, his wallet and then he rooted around in a drawer for a beanie he was sure he had seen there, as his favourite one was totally gone. Happily he finally found the favourite in the search for the other one, down at the bottom of the box, half hidden in a scarf, and he pressed it down his head and rushed out of the apartment, snatching the keys on the fly.

...

So here he was now, at last outside the movies. The darkness had settled over the city, snowflakes slowly falling from the sky. Everything was quiet. Everything was white. Everything was beautiful. Peaceful.

Except for Harry.

Harry was sweaty, stressed, nervous and bothered with a slight need to pee, he felt his pulse beat hysterically in his body, and his groin were aching after slipping on a patch of ice causing his left leg to take a painful slide to the side. There was chaos in his brain, did he bring his wallet, had he left his cell phone at home, was the shirt really okay?!

But Louis... Louis. His date. Who stands there, just so close to him, calmly waiting outside the movies, beautiful, sweet and nice and... Well, how would Harry describe Louis... ? Louis was. Calm. Pretty, so pretty. Smiling, smiling, smiling. Harry came up to him and couldn't help but shyly look at him with happiness and admiration in his eyes. His inner enunciation of adjectives applicable Louis continued. The handsome boy was warm. Warm but not the least bit sweaty. Just warm. Perfect, Harry could feel it clearly when they hugged each other, Harry slightly out of breath, Louis just calm, confident, smiling. Stable, being someone that Harry might dare to lean on a little when it stormed far too much. Maybe.

During the movie their knees were resting lightly against each other, but no other body parts met. The boys kept their hands in their own spheres, Harry would never had survived more physical contact than that. He was still tightly wound and couldn't really focus on the movie as much as he wanted. Holding Louis hand, it ... it would've made him explode.

This was good, this was right. Small steps. Baby steps.

...

Harry felt at home already at the sight of the big entrance door they now stepped in through. It was here he less than a week ago had dared so much - and had won! With a gesture Louis showed Harry to go before him up the stairs and when he started walking, he felt a mitten clad hand lightly rest on the back of his jacket. He had to slowly take a deep breath to get his poor heart to stop running wild.

They walked together, rather slowly, up the two floors of the house. Louis let his hand constantly brush against Harry's back and against all logic Harry thought he could feel the touch burn through all layers of clothes. It was the sweetest feeling he had felt for many years.

And then they reached a door with the name Tomlinson sloppily written on a taped piece of paper. Harry felt shy suddenly. All of a sudden it all felt so real. A nervous feeling went through his body and he didn't know where to look. He stood with his head bowed down, suddenly terribly interested in the colour of his own shoes. Nervous thoughts began to rush through his brain, he started to worry about Louis thinking he was too wimpy, too boring, too weird, if this really was a genuine interest from Louis' side or if it was just continued effort to draw customers to the club. Harry knew deep down that it was foolishly to think so, but he just couldn't help it.

Louis opened up the door to his apartment and held out his arm in a motion to invite Harry. But Harry couldn't take a single step, he was suddenly shocked. He had really been about to walk in, one foot was actually about to lift off the floor. But. Everything just stilled. He stood there, eyes big, and just stared into Louis home.

He had never seen anything like it. His chin dropped to the floor and he turned to Louis who smiled big at him, looking very contented.

"Um..." Harry started. "What...? Who...?"

Louis laughed. "Go on in, we can't spend the rest of the evening out here, now can we?" he said, with an amused look on his face.

Harry looked into the apartment again, threw a confused look on Louis, but entered the apartment.

It was the most amazing thing he had ever seen! At the first look of it, it was like stepping right into a huge Christmas tree! There was coloured lights everywhere, there was red, gold and silver from the floor to the ceiling, it was Santa Clauses and Christmas flowers all over and it was Christmas stockings hanging and in one corner a huge angel with sparkling wings were standing, graciously smiling.

"Louis... What IS this is...? Is it... Christmas decorations?" Harry asked, amazed.

Louis giggled as he kicked off his shoes so they flew away in the small hall.

"Yep, I love Christmas and I love Christmas decorations and I live alone and I can't bother any one with all this! It's nice, huh?"

Harry nodded and said "Yeah, sure... but... it's several weeks left until Christmas Eve...?"

"Oh, now you sound like my mother! 'Louis darling, you're going to grow tired of all the decorations before Christmas has even arrived!" Louis mimicked his mum, waving a finger in front of Harry's face.

Harry smiled and put a hand over his mouth, so wonderfully sweet Louis was!

"Come on, you want to see the very latest piece I bought?" Louis exclaimed eagerly, then took Harry by the hand and pulled him into the next room. Harry thought he should be nervous about feeling Louis tiny hand around his big, but it just felt very very right and he hurried after the handsome boy into what he figured out being the bedroom. They ended up in front of the small room's window, and Louis pointed outward, downward.

"Look! See! Do you see what it is?" he giggled delighted while Harry leaned against the cold glass, careful not to knock his forehead into it, and looked out. There, under the window, attached to the grid by a french balcony, a big, real life sized Santa Claus were hanging, looking like he was holding on to the wall for dear life!

Harry dropped his chin and turned to Louis.

"It's Santa Claus!" Louis giggled before Harry had time to say anything, and Harry couldn't help but let a small laughter bubble up within him, and finding its way out. He was amazed at the enthusiasm in the older boy's way. "But... Are you aloud to keep it there, is it not a fire hazard... or something?" Harry asked.

"Yeah... My landlord is very grumpy and not happy with me, not because it is a fire hazard, but because it is" - he held up his hands and made quotation marks in the air - 'tacky'. Haha, I bribed her with cookies, so now he's aloud to hang there! The neighbour downstairs is complaining though, for apparently Santa's feet reaches down to their windows, but promised to make Christmas candy to them, so they too stay calm now."

Harry were laughing out loud in the small room. "But you... you're crazy!" he exclaimed, while a feeling of happiness tumbling around inside him. "I know! However, I don't care!" Louis replied cheerfully. "Can I assume you don't care very much about it?" he asked softly, cocking his head to the side, only to straighten up, open his eyes in horror, exclaiming "Oh my God! Oh dear, you don't happen to be, like, I don't know, are you Jewish...?! Or something?! I'm so sorry! Are this offensive to you? Or are you a Muslim or something? Oh dear, I didn't think so far! Does it feel okay? Thus if we are to continue dating, obviously I would remove it all! I..."

Harry successfully put an end to Louis' terrified promises by, to his own surprise, lightly put his fingertips against Louis cheek, saying "Don't worry, I don't follow any religion. Or, well, I suppose I am a Christian like most other Englishmen, but I don't practise it very much... You keep all your Christmas decorations, it's really pretty."

Louis let out a relieved breath. And smiled. Harry felt a little dizzy again, not only had he just dared to touch Louis, now he saw him smile again. Not to mention that they were in his bedroom. Harry gulped and looked around a bit, his eyes were looking out the door.

Louis walked past Harry and brushed lightly with his fingers against Harry's and asked over his shoulder "So, do you want a cup of tea?".

Harry answered yes, voice almost entirely without shaking.

...

 

They were sitting in Louis living room. Cozily bundled up in the each end of the couch, hands holding a large teacup each. The cups had prints of red reindeers, for "Obviously even the china needs to be Christmas themed!" had Louis declared while Harry was leaning against the small table in the kitchen, silently watching Louis walking back and forth between the stove, kitchen cabinets and pantry to make tea for them.

"Cookies?" he had wondered as he held out a tin box "There are pieces of mint in them - do you like mint?"  
Harry had frowned a bit while he replied, "Well,no... it's not my favorite..." whereupon Louis before Harry had time to explain more, lifted the lid off another tin box and held it before him. He looked like a waiter who offering a fine bottle of wine.

"Maybe toffee cookies are a better choice?" he said, looking curiously at Harry.

Harry smiled, toffee cookies were absolutely a better choice! He said "Yes please!" took a cookie from the box while Louis smiled big and looked intently at him as he took a bite of the cake.

Harry let out a loud "Mmmmmmm!" as he chewed and Louis eagerly put his hands together in front of him. "Was it good?" he asked, smiling.

"SO good!" Harry mumbled out between mouthfuls, he had soon gulped it all down. "Did you bake them?"

Louis nodded contentedly, "Yep! Nana's recipe, I myself think that they are phenomenally good, I have no idea how many of them I have managed to munch down since the first of December." he explained content, and pulled up the edge of his shirt a few millimetres. "You have to keep in shape, yeah? It would be too sad if there would be nothing to rest a hand on here from time to time!" he said and looked at Harry as he winked at him, really quickly.

Harry almost choked on the cookie. He would rather NOT think of anything on Louis that now was covered by clothes. He were eating cake now, it was sweet enough as it was, he did not want any kind of cuteness overload here in the Tomlinson kitchen, one thing at a time please.

He just smiled a little, mumbled something in reply, and looked at the floor while he brushed some crumbs off his fingers. Do not look, do not look, do not look at where Louis hand's caressing the white fabric of the t-shirt. Do not.

"You wanna go sit down on the couch?" Louis asked, carefree, and walked out of the kitchen. Harry let out a quiet breath and went along.

...

So now here they where, cozily seated in each corner of the blue couch. They had talked about the weather and about baking and about Christmas gifts. Harry had told Louis about the fish he got for Christmas at the age of seven and Louis had told Harry about the scarf he had knitted for his mum at the age of nine. Harry had finished his tea and were now leaning forward to set down the cup on the table in front of them. He did, however, never reach the table with the rein deer cup before Louis quickly leaned in to him taking his cup. "I can take it!" he said, and placed it on the table, and he put his own next to it.

Then he leaned back on the couch again and looked at Harry with something wild in his eyes. "Can I kiss you?" he quickly blurted out. It was as if the question had been waiting for a long time, and now, when the cookies were eaten, a polite chat was done, the cups were firmly placed on the table, as it was impossible to keep it inside anymore.

Harry could do nothing but nod with a surprise look on his face, and the next second, he felt Louis's body against his, his hands on his cheeks, his lips against his. It was like the pretty boy had thrown himself forward on pure impulse and to now feel his weight against him, had Harry all dizzy, the very most exquisite kind of dizzy!

Harry fell backward with Louis over him and they slid down the couch and were half sitting, half laying back. Their lips met eagerly, Louis had waited in this moment all night, he went into the kisses with all his body and soul, and Harry let himself get pulled along, he closed his eyes and tasted the most delicate lips he ever would have dreamed of!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing it again. Updating a fic that isn't finished. I will probably hate myself for doing it, but I just want to get the story out there... So please, lovely ones, don't hold your breath for the next chapter...!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter. Short but sweet? :)

Harry broke the kiss, turned his head to the side and gasped a little, trying to get his breathing calm and steady again. Louis had been lying on top of him for the last hour and they had kissed each other like there was no tomorrow, Louis had caressed him with his perfect little hands, and without any hesitation rubbed against Harry in a way that made him absolutely crazy.

He had no other choice but to break it all off for now. If they had continued it, it could only end in one way, and he was NOT ready for that.

Louis slid off him and lay on his side, leaning back against the sofa cushions. He looked up at Harry, cheeks blushing in a beautiful pink color. "Everything okay?" he wondered as he let his fingers caress Harry's stomach through the t-shirt.

Harry nodded breathlessly. "All good. Very good." he replied, smiling shyly.

The answer seemed to reassure Louis, who put his head down on Harry's chest, took a deep breath and exhaled. "You wanna stay the night?" he asked as he drew invisible patterns against Harry's t-shirt with his index finger.

The question sent a nervous shock to Harry's stomach. Stay the night? No... it felt too early. He had to say no, even though his whole body screamed 'Yeeees, stay the night, share a bed with Louis, you've been wanting it for so long!'

"Um... well, I don't really... think so..." he mumbled, didn't know how to explain it without sounding either like a wimp or that he had zero interest in Louis.

"That's okay." Louis replied unbothered, looking up at him. "One thing at a time, I understand. Tonight kisses? Next time maybe more kisses? Sleeping over is somewhere in the future?"

In an instant Harry felt himself relax. Could it be true, that he had met someone who understood him, really understood him, just like that? And moreover, had respect for his words, without any need of explanation?

He nodded shyly and smiled a little. "Yeah... If that's okay..."

With an honest look on his face, Louis replied "Of course it's okay! Don't you ever doubt it." He held his gaze on Harry for an extra second, as if he really wanted him to know that what he said was sincere, before he laid down to rest on Harry's chest again. His finger continued drawing nonsense patterns, and Harry felt an ever so light feeling of 'home', run through his body.

...

Harry woke with a start and opened his eyes. It was dark. He opened and closed his eyes in the quiet room trying to orient himself. Where was he? In the corner of his eye he saw an orange light shining faintly and he instinctively turned his head in that direction. It was a star. A star in a window. Harry's mouth was dry, he was sweaty and the whole situation felt just strange. Where was he? Why had he woken up now? Was it nighttime? Morning? Oh my god, he's so hot and sweaty! Why were an orange star lighting up a window he did not recognize?

Then he felt someone move beside him and suddenly he remembered! Louis! Oh! Louis...!

He glanced down toward his side where he was too hot. Oh! Harry felt a tenderness come over him. There he was laying, hand remained on Harry's stomach, still now, completely calm, without drawing patterns. Louis, beautiful beautiful Louis, was breathing with steady and quiet breaths and Harry felt emotional all of a sudden. It was scary how safe he could already feel with another person and he got afraid of that feeling. He had felt safe with James, he had trusted him, he had loved him from the bottom of his heart, and he had been treated like crap. Harry forced himself to take a deep breath and remind himself that this was not James. James was out of his life. This was Louis. Harry didn't quite know him yet, but this was NOT James.

'Calm down... calm down... ' he thought to himself and tried to still his pounding heart. He hated that he still, after all this time, was so affected by his ex-boyfriend. It wasn't fair, not to him, neither to future boyfriends. To Louis...

Harry didn't move an inch, he was sure of it, yet he felt that Louis began to stir beside him. First, the hand on his stomach began to move, then he gently buried his face against Harry's chest, rubbing his nose against him, and then inhaled deeply and mumbled "Harry...?"

Harry replied apologetically, "Sorry, did I wake you... ?"

Louis, still with his face pressed into Harry and eyes still closed, replied "Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it. What time is it, you never went home?"

Harry couldn't hold back a shy little smile, and said, "I must've fallen asleep... And you too..."

Harry felt Louis chuckle quietly against him and then he turned his face up and peered out into the room with one eye. With a drowsy voice, he said "My timers for all the christmas lights haven't started up yet, and they are set at 5 am, so it's probably still middle of the night... Do you really not wanna stay?"

Harry continued to smile and replied quietly, he hoped his voice wouldn't give away how full of new and nervous feelings he was, "Well, yeah... maybe I should do it anyway... "

Louis rubbed his face into Harry's warm body one last time, before he heaved himself up to a sitting position. "Great!" he said and smiled big! Then his expression changed to a slightly more tormented one. "I need to pee!" he exclaimed. "My god, all the tea we had!" he got out before he jumped over Harry and hurried out into the hall where Harry assumed that the toilet must be. He hadn't even had time to see the whole apartment before they ended up on the couch with a cup of tea and then... Harry blushed slightly and tried not to think about their hour of kisses.

Louis came out in the living room again a short while later, now with a much more relieved expression on his face and with a green toothbrush in hand.

"I have an extra, if you want to...?" he said, waving his own in the air. Harry nodded thankfully and got up. "In the bathroom, just open the cabinet and snoop around, you'll see it fast enough." Louis explained while he began to brush his teeth where he stood. Harry found his way into the bathroom and found the toothbrush without having to look very thoroughly. Louis had been right, he did see it immediately.

A little later, the two stood next to each other in front of the bathroom mirror, done with brushing their teeth. Louis put his toothbrush in a glass on the counter and Harry stood beside him, holding the blue toothbrush in his hand. Were would it be okay to put it? On the counter? In the glass, beside Louis'? Before he had time to start thinking too much about it, Louis grabbed it and put it in the glass and said "You wanna borrow something to sleep in? A t-shirt? A pajamas? Or do you sleep nude?"

Harry blushed. He used to sleep naked, but... not now! Not with Louis!

"Maybe I could borrow a t-shirt..." he said with a low voice. He hated that he was so shy and insecure, but he just couldn't let go of the feeling James had planted in him for so long, that he was inferior, that his opinions weren't relevant, that what he wanted never mattered.

"A t-shirt coming up!" Louis said and took his hand. "Come on." he said, and they went to the bedroom.

Louis opened a closet door and found a black t-shirt that he tossed to Harry. Harry caught it and began to undress. Shirt went off, pants went off... Next up socks. He turned away from Louis a little but could still see him in the corner of his eye. It was a strange feeling, undressing next to another man again. It was a cautiously good feeling.

Then they stood on each side of the bed, both had t-shirt and boxers on. Louis quickly crouched down into what looked like a heaven of fluffy pillows and soft cotton, and held up the covers in a welcoming gesture. "Is it okay for you that we stay like this, in the same bed? I can sleep on the couch or something!" he offered, but Harry quickly shook his head and replied, "No, absolutely not. If it's okay for you, I'll be happy to sleep here with you."

Harry sat on the edge of the bed and gently folded his long legs in under the covers while Louis watched him thoughtfully. "Hey..." he said. "Are you always like this...?"

"What do you mean 'like this'?" Harry wondered hesitant and made himself comfortable on a pillow trying to not look too nervous. What did Louis talk about? Harry's heart began to beat, he felt an unpleasant feeling spread in the body. Why did Louis wonder this?

"Well you know... like, shy like this? Like, unsure of everything? Like you always feel the need to ask for permission for everything?"

Harry shrugged in a way that he hoped would look a little casual, and looked down on the blanket. Because yes. He was always like this. He had learned to be this way. He had learned the hard way, the James-way, to always ask for permission. "Yeah... " he said, without elaborating further. He didn't want to explain it more right now, and he hoped that Louis would sense it. Harry had, after all, told him a lot about his ex on their walk home the night they swapped phone numbers, about how he had affected Harry so negatively. Oh how he wished that Louis would drop the issue, just this once. Could he do it?

Yes. Of course he did. Of course. Perfect Louis.

For instead of saying anything more about it, he lightly touched Harry's upper arm with warm fingertips and said, "Can I hold you?". Harry had to wait a few seconds before answering "Yes.". Because if he had answered directly, he thought for sure that his voice would reveal how he far too quickly had developed far too intense feelings for this far too beautiful man. He closed his eyes and wished he would wake up the next morning and be confident, and have let go all the needs of ever having to ask another man for permission.

He fell asleep secure, hopeful, and held by Louis, who were already snoring quietly.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry woke with a start. Again. This time, he knew right where he was though, but something felt wrong. Something was not as it had been when he fell asleep.

He was alone.

He was all alone in the bed. He gazed out into the dark bedroom. Alone again, as usual. All empty around him, as usual. The arms that had held him while he was sleeping was gone and he felt a fear spread in his body. Had Louis just left him here? In his own bedroom, without even saying anything? Harry swallowed a frightened sob that wanted to find its way out of his body - he had already begun to imagine a future without someone to love him for who he was - and eased his hand out of the warm nest Louis covers formed around him, to search for a farewell note. He groped around among the pillows for the little scrap of paper he saw as inevitable, but found nothing. He forced his pounding heart to calm down.

"Pull yourself together!" he thought. "He may have dumped you here, and want you out of here as soon as possible. It could be that way. But, what if he has only gone to the bathroom? Gone for a walk? Woke up thirsty and went up to have some water?"

His hopeful inner self that had been so excited and happy first seeing Louis there at the strip club, looked up and nodded, smiling. 'Don't give up just yet!' it whispered quietly to him. 'Hold on to hope. To happiness. Hold on to the fact that even you deserve to be happy!'.

Harry shook his head, he guessed it was just a tiny bit insane to have a voice in the head, encouraging him... He closed his eyes, tried to relax, and tried, even though it felt a bit strange, to comply with the hopeful voice within him.

And that was when he heard it. The music. The singing, like a choir of angels, bright crisp voices, singing with the most lovely tunes he had ever heard. Again he opened up his eyes and stared into the darkness. What on earth...?

He turned his face to the closed door, the street lights outside the house gave him enough help to see the outline of it, and he strained his ears to try to figure out if it was Louis' apartment the music came from, or if it was maybe from some neighbour. He decided that he heard it close enough to come from the other side of the door and he was terribly curious now. Gently, gently, he lifted away the covers, sat up, swung his legs over the edge of the bed and put his bare feet down on the wooden floor. He got up and took gentle steps, one by one, until he reached the door. He bit his lower lip gently, felt nervous, what on earth was he doing really, sneaking around in an-almost-stranger's bedroom like this...?

With a lightly shaky hand he pressed the door handle, carefully opened the door and looked out over Louis living room. It was like looking out over a picture from a Christmas tale. The candlesticks in the windows, the Christmas-tree lights and the big angel, they all created a magical atmosphere and now Harry at least could figure that it must be after 5 a.m. For a few seconds he just stood still, enjoying he beauty before him. Then he saw Louis. The couch was facing a little away from the bedroom door so all he saw was a dark shock of hair sticking out of a fluffy gray blanket. He seemed focused on something on the tv, and Harry leaned a bit to see what Louis was so entranced with so early in the morning - he could see that it was still pitch black outside.

What Harry saw on the tv made him absolutely speechless. So beautiful! And the singing! Harry had never experienced anything like it! He stood ever so still, hand on the doorknob, watching a big choir on the tv, all dressed in long white robes, wide red satin ribbon tied around the waist, they all had a flickering candle in hand, and green garlands in their hair. A beautiful girl with long dark hair stood in the middle, no candle in hand, but she held her hands in front of her chest, palms gently pressed against each other. And she had a crown on! A large, gold-coloured crown, which held six long white burning candles, spreading light in the dark church it looked like they were singing in. Harry wondered if he was dreaming, there was something about the atmosphere in the room that made the whole situation feel unreal. He was spellbound by the dim light of all the Christmas lights, the song from the TV, and the quiet atmosphere he felt seeing Louis quietly sitting on the couch, engrossed in the beauty on the tv.

He wanted to announce his presence in some way, but didn't know how. Should he clear his throat? Quietly sneak over to the sofa (and risk to scare Louis to death...!)? Would he maybe shut the bedroom door behind him so loudly it could be heard to give Louis a sign that he was awake?

Harry however didn't have to trouble himself with the decisions for any longer while, because suddenly Louis turned his head to Harry in a rapid motion. "Harry! Oh sorry! Did I wake you?"

Harry finally let go the doorknob, and came over to the couch. "No, don't worry!" he smiled. "What are you watching?", he couldn't help but ask.

"Come on, sit down!" Louis said, inviting him, and untied the blanket he had wrapped around him, so that Harry could snuggle in next to Louis. "It's a Lucia celebration!" he explained. "Isn't it just beautiful?"

"Indeed...!" Harry answered "But... what IS this? I have never heard of it, it 's amazing!"

"I know, my mum was an exchange student in Sweden when she was young, and she got to experience this, we're watching Swedish television here, a webcast. December 13th is Lucia day, and they celebrate in this way with these special clothes and candles this early in the morning, with all the amazing songs. Mum and I have watched the Lucia celebration every year since I was just a kid, I just can't help myself. It's such a lovely tradition, I have..." Louis trailed off and Harry seemed to see him blush a little, but figured it was probably just the glow that made it "... actually, erm... baked special buns to us, that they eat this day... You think you wanna try some...?"

Louis suddenly looked very shy and very vulnerable, like there was another part of him showing now. It wasn't just cute, cheerful, fearless Louis, now it was Louis who could actually get nervous, Louis, maybe not 100% sure of Harry's feelings for him. He looked down and picked at a loose thread in the blanket and Harry watched enchanted the thick row of eyelashes that formed shadows on Louis cheeks.

"Special buns...?" Harry repeated like a fool, having a really hard time to take his eyes off the lashes.

"Mm, simply amazing pastry with raisins in them. Do you like raisins? I made some without too, if you don't like it?" Louis said eagerly and now he looked at Harry again, the insecure wiped away by his eagerness to share the Lucia tradition to Harry.

"I like raisins." Harry smiled and nodded.

"Is it okay if I pause this?" Louis asked and leaned forward and grabbed the remote control. "I'll just rush into the kitchen and bring us the buns, okay, you can stay here, I won't be long!" he said, and hurried into the kitchen.

"Totally okay." Harry answered and unconsciously moved a little under the blanket, until he he ended up placed on Louis spot where his body heat still remained. Harry closed his eyes and knew that his hopeful inner contentedly made itself at home here on this couch in that very moment. He wanted to put up a warning finger and express a warning; "It can go wrong: He may prove to be an idiot! Maybe I have met another James..." but somewhere inside him he felt no... this was not another James... this could be good, if only he dared to trust it.

He had just dozed off when he heard Louis step into the living room again. "I made hot chocolate, was that okay? Or would you rather have tea?" he wondered, and set down a tray on the small coffee table. Harry looked in wonder at what Louis was lining up. Two large glasses of steaming hot chocolate, a bowl of whipped cream next to them "I didn't know if you wanted whipped cream in your chocolate or not!" he explained as he put a small basket in front of Harry, that was filled with sunshine-yellow buns shaped like chubby S:s, and there was two raisins on top of each bun.

"Wow!" Harry said excited, grabbing one of the buns. He sniffed it. "Oh! Smells amazing! Is it..." he sniffed again. "... it is saffron?"

"Yes! Exactly!" Louis exclaimed and looked pleased by Harry's sense of smell. "They're called saffron buns or lusse kittens for some reason, and they taste absolutely delicious! Especially if you dip them in hot chocolate. I reallt love tea, but with these buns, I really need hot cocoa!

Again, Harry felt an awe at this man who bounced down beside him on the sofa. All the energy, all the joy he radiated, Louis was an amazing person! Harry felt that this new man who had come into his life was like a warm cover for his wounded soul, and though he still didn't dare to trust that it was as good as it seemed, he dared to enjoy the moment, dared to be here and now. He dared to begin to feel that he was worthy to get to have good things in his life.

...

The buns were eaten, the cocoa glasses empty, they had ordered sushi for lunch and they had had a few cups of tea over the day ("Lucia and hot chocolate are all very well but my God, I need my tea!" had Louis theatrically exclaimed around lunchtime). In addition to all eating and drinking, they had lain on the couch and done nothing but to enjoy each others kisses (and a lot of insanely frustrating dryhumping, Harry were seriously worried that he was going to explode, both figuratively and literally spoken...) the day was a copy of the previous evening, and Harry was in seventh heaven.

Louis broke off their kisses and for a while he just laid beside Harry, looking at him. Harry tried to imperceptible soothe his strained breathing while he waited for what Louis wanted to say, it seemed like he had something on his mind.

"Hey..." Louis said, and there they were again, the warm fingers, absently caressing Harry through the shirt. "I feel a little tired... It was a late night last night, and we woke up early... And I didn't tell you, because I didn't think I'd get to have you here for this long..." he smiled happily and stroked Harry's cheek "...but I'm going to work tonight, at... Yeah, well, you know... " Louis said and shrugged a little. "I start at 7 pm, so is it okay if we like...rest for a little while...? If you don't need to, you can do what you want obviously, you can like, go home if you want to aswell... but I think I need some rest before work."

Harry nodded. Obviously. It was Saturday. He had already begun to forget all the past Saturdays he had spent sneaking along the walls of the small club where he had seen Louis for the first time. He was so close to him now, the lonely and frustrated Saturdays disappeared further and further away from his memory.

"Of course. I understand, I will happily rest with you, if you think it is..." Harry stopped himself. Do not ask if it's okay. Do not ask for permission. Louis had literally asked HIM if it was okay that they'd lay down and rest. It's okay for Louis, do not ask! he chided himself. He looked a little embarrassed at Louis who seemed to see his inner dialogue and he smiled encouragingly. "Good." he said. "I don't want to hear you ask for permission. Good. I 'd love to have you with me. Come." he said, stood up and held out his hand. Harry took it and they walked hand in hand to Louis bed and lay down. It didn't take long before both their breaths became quiet and they fell asleep, close together.

...

Harry shut the door behind him, and took off his knitted beanie. It was covered in wet snowflakes that began to melt in the warm apartment. He was at his own place again and when he had stepped out of his jacket and shoes, he leaned against the door and let a big smile show. The next second he rolled his eyes at how smitten he was, and then he laughed out loud to the fact that he rolled his eyes in his loneliness. He put his hand to his mouth, his laughter echoing in the empty apartment but he just felt happy!

He took a few steps into the quiet apartment. Felt a little perplexed. He felt lonely. Suddenly, he missed Louis! Just a day ago everything about him had just been a dream, a hope, a fantasy, but now Harry had him more in his life than he had ever dreamed of! If Louis would call fifteen minutes from now and say he was sorry, but he didn't want to see Harry anymore, that everything had been a mistake, Harry would still cherish these past 24 hours tenderly in his memory. He felt like a new man, as he was actually worthy of love...!

He turned on the radio and danced around in his kitchen while he made himself some tea. He could get used to this feeling. He could get used to having Louis in his life.

...

 

Two weeks had passed. Harry was in love. So terribly in love. He missed Louis every moment he wasn't with him.

Two weeks had passed, and Louis was just as in love.

Each time they met again, whether it had been 4 hours or a whole day, they would light up like two suns as soon as they caught sight of each other, they rushed into each others arms and didn't let go until after a long while.

Twelve days after their first date, it was Christmas Eve, and they had spent three days apart from eachother because of that. It had been terrible. Simply dreadful. Harry had missed Louis so much it hurt, they had just met and they would take a three day break like this! Inhuman!

The three days had passed so slowly, so slowly, and in addition to seeing their loved ones and get some nice gifts for Christmas, texting each other almost constantly was what made the days seem bearable for them.

Late in the evening a few days before New Year's Eve, Harry had come back to town after seeing his relatives along with his family. When Louis with a big smile opened the door to his apartment it felt like everything fell back into place and tightly entwined, they went over to the sofa where they fell into a happy little pile.

They had taken it slowly during their first two weeks. Louis wanted so much and Harry wanted so much, but Harry felt that he should take it easy, and Louis felt that Harry hesitated. So there were only kisses.

Kisses.

Kisses.

Kisses.

More kisses.

And more kisses. And dryhumping.

And kisses.

Until suddenly. On New Year's Eve.

Harry had been out for a jog early that morning. All sweaty, he had carefully snuck into the kitchen to put a bag freshly baked croissants on the table before he went into the shower. They had no plans for the evening, they had both received offers of treats from their friends, but turned them all down, they had no desire to do anything other than to be with one another in peace and quiet. Neither of them said anything but both felt it like it was too early to introduce each other to their friends. What they had together felt sacred in some silly way, too beautiful, too fragile to let out in the big world just yet.

"My friend Niall wonder if we wanna tag along to a party at his cousin. You want to... ?" Harry had wondered about a week before New Year.

Louis had looked hesitant but smiled and replied, "If you want to, yeah..." but Harry sent a "Thanks but no thanks." without making a big deal of it.

A day later Louis came to Harry, cell phone in hand, and said "We're invited to my friend Stan on New Year's... he has a big house by the beach, the parties tend to be hysterical. You wanna go...?"

Harry had looked just as hesitant as Louis the previous day. Stan got a similar response that Niall had received.

The day before New Year Harry's sister Gemma texted him "Hey baby brother, if you and your secret loverboy don't have any plans, you two are welcome to my place, me and my friends are having a party!"

Gemma's invitation was their sixth, and by now Harry just read the text out loud before he sent a no thanks, while Louis smiled next to him, blushing a little. This would be their New Year's Eve, only theirs.

Harry and his sore muscles enjoyed the shower. When he was done with all the lathering, all the shampooing, a dash of conditioner into the dark curls, a few hits with the razor where he thought it was needed - and last but not least - a quick moment where his hand and his little frustrated member met for a much needed time together, he rinsed with hot water, making the bathroom all filled with steam, and stepped out of the shower. Wearing nothing but a towel, he stepped into the kitchen to start making breakfast just as Louis stepped out of the bedroom, dazed, in a pair of blue pajama pants, rubbing his eyes.

"Do you know it's only half past seven? It smells newly baked in here! Don't say you have baked? AND run?" he exclaimed.

Harry laughed. "No, I did run, but it is freshly baked from the bakery on the corner."

Louis looked relieved "Good, I was starting to get worried about you being just too perfect! You wanna start preparing breakfast, I'll just take a shower?"

Harry nodded and walked over to the cupboards and opened it to pick out china, when suddenly Louis came up behind him, put his arms around him and pressed his cheek against Harry's back. Harry stopped with all his movements and he stood staring at a bowl with snowflake-prints, hearing Louis softly saying, "I like you very very very much..."

A billion butterflies were released from a secret hiding place in Harry's stomach, and his whole body was filled with nervous flutter. In a thin voice, he managed to answer "I... me too... I like you very much..."

The insecure part of him wanted to stand still with his back against Louis' chest, and just concentrate on not fainting until Louis would decide to let him go and go and take that shower... but his happy inner self whispered "Turn around. Hug him back. Kiss your boy." and without engaging in any discussions, he followed that recommendation.

He turned in Louis grip and they met, naked chest against naked chest. Louis blue eyes beamed like two suns, beamed as they had done that night a few weeks ago when the two boys had exchanged phone numbers - and Harry leaned forward and kissed his boy.

...

Comfortable newly showered and wearing only boxer shorts, they sat together under a warm quilt and savored their breakfast in peace and quiet for a couple of reruns of Friends. But as soon the croissants were gone, no tea was left, and the pieces of orange Harry had placed in a little bowl was all eaten, they'd lay down on the sofa again. Slow enjoyable kisses, hands that caressed each other, they were both achingly hard and rutting against each other, sweatingly seeking for friction, and Harry thought that he'd go mad. It wasn't enough, he didn't get enough of Louis. He needed more. Kissing is awesome and all that, but he needed more.

So he would take more.

Louis did a long ago decide to let Harry take the first step in everything they did together, and somewhere he believed that Harry felt this. Louis knew a bit about how the beautiful boy had been treated by his ex-boyfriend, and he felt that all the doubt still remained, the uncertainty, the feeling of not having the right to have his own will. Louis wanted to give Harry all that back. He would never want to take a first step that Harry anguishly would try to deny, or - worse yet - approve of against his will, because he still somewhere within him would think that he was not entitled to his own opinion.

He knew that Harry was still marked by the bad relationship he had behind him, and he had prepared for them to proceed slowly. Baby steps. He was okay with that. Everything for Harry, dear God, everything and more for him!

If Harry would ask Louis to take down the moon for him, he would've done everything possible to succeed. He wanted to give Harry everything, including time.

So this was why he was so surprised when Harry's lips without warning left Louis lips, and lightly ghosted across his cheek, down to the thin skin on the neck, just below the ear lobe. And that's why he tried to hide small gasps that wanted to tear from his mouth, when he felt Harry's lips kissing his way down to his nipples. And that was why he gently put his hand on Harry's cheek and softly followed him, when the warm lips left his chest and went down to the softest part of the stomach, the part just below the navel.

Harry stopped and met Louis gaze. The gaze was puzzled, but not unsure. Louis still wanted to ask. "Do you want to...? You don't have to..." he mumbled. His body screamed at him to stop talking, to let Harry go on, but Gentleman was Louis' middle name and he never wanted to be anything but good for Harry, so of course he asked.

The answer that came was just as mumbling as the question - "I want... I... I long for more, Louis, I... I have to."

Louis nodded, wide-eyed, let his hand slip off Harry's cheek, and felt the plump lips go back to creating a trail of kisses from the top of Louis stomach, past the navel, and down to the wide elastic band in the boxer shorts. Harry lifted his head a little, shifted back and let one hand rest beside Louis navel, where his fingers did small caressing circles over the soft skin, and then he ducked down towards Louis hipbone, where he placed the most delicate little hickeys Louis had ever felt.

It went so quickly, from that Louis just ten minutes ago had been prepared to wait for Harry for a few more weeks, maybe months, for Harry now taking step after step further and Louis felt almost intoxicated by everything that was happening. This was nothing he hadn't experienced before, but with Harry it was all different. Everything was more beautiful, more tantalizing, more intense. A kiss from the boys he had been with before had been... just a kiss. But a kiss from Harry was so very much more, he just couldn´t explain it.

Louis looked down at Harry, who so infinitely slow let his fingers slide in under the thin hem of the boxers, and he pulled them down a little bit. He turned up his face to Louis who nodded, amazed.

Harry looked back down and scooted away the underwear a little more. The tiniest brim of dark hair became visible, and Harry gasped and put away the fabric even more. Lightly he let his fingertips run through the small curls at the very bottom of the belly and Louis were seriously concerned that his heart would hammer itself out of his chest.

His boxer shorts were completely pulled down now, sitting around the thighs. He had quickly lifted his bum a little bit when Harry were pulling the taut fabric. Harry looked back at him now, lips slightly parted, cheeks flushed red and eyes glassy. His hot breath reached Louis skin and made him shiver. Harry's tongue darted out for half a second, wetting his lips and he then looked down at Louis where he lay exposed to him.

Louis closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to collect himself. He tried to breathe calm and steady, but his body wouldn't cooperate, and he found himself only get oxygen from light gasps, even though nothing had even happened yet. But it was the tension, the atmosphere in the room, the chemistry between the two, that did it. He had thought that he would have to take care of Harry in this relationship, but it turned out that it was he who now lay here like a quivering puddle of jello while Harry let his hands explore his body.

Now Harry leaned forward and let his lips softly meet the top of Louis cock. Louis inhaled shakily, reached out his hand and laid it against Harry's head. He stroked his dark hair with his thumb while he with big eyes looked down on what was happening to him. A large hand on his hard cock, bright red lips enveloping him. Harry stretched out his tongue and let the tip of the tongue gently run along the underside of Louis' cock and up to the top. Louis closed his eyes and let his head fall back, trying to focus; Do not come yet, do not come yet, do not come yet, he chanted to himself. It felt too good! It had barely begun, but it felt too good!

Harry's tongue gave Louis one last lick before his lips were back again. They closed over the tip and Harry leaned forward a little, Louis heard the sofa squeak angrily when Harry changed position over him, and far away Louis thought 'Gotta buy a new sofa if we are to go beyond kisses from now on..."

The rest was just like a chaos inside of Louis, a chaos of feelings for Harry, a chaos coming from being inside his mouth, a chaos of the fight not to come after one minute. Louis tried to calm down as best he could, but Harry's hands and mouth were the best Louis had ever experienced and it wasn't many minutes before he panted out "Harry, I'm gonna... I gonna, now.... Harry... " so that his friend would be prepared and move.

But it didn't happen. Harry didn't move. The chaos in Louis increased with about twenty times when he realized this fact. Harry's mouth will not leave Louis body. The first orgasm with this beautiful human being will take place inside his mouth.

With a loud groan Louis came hard, feeling Harry struggle to swallow swallow swallow, and realizing this made Louis come harder than he had ever expected. On pure impulse his other hand found its way up in Harry's hair, he didn't really plan it or want to, but he couldn't help it, so with the help of the grip in the curls, he pushed down Harry's head even a little more. And then some more, and fuck fuck fuck, Louis had never felt an orgasm so intense before, and now yet a little more, he could feel Harry's face pressed against his belly while he cramped inside his mouth and he thought he would explode, it felt so good, so good. In the chaos Louis heard how Harry - with his mouth full of Louis - emitted a sound that could be a sob, could be a groan and Louis quickly let go of hos grip, still riding out the last waves of this wonderful release. He thought his orgasm would never end, but finally he lay down panting on the sofa in a daze, and felt how Harry tumbled down beside him.

Normally, he'd scooch a little bit to the side, the sofa wasn't very big, but he couldn't move a muscle. He was exhausted, and could just lie and try to catch his breath. He felt Harry adapt his body as best he could against Louis when he settled down with his head on his chest after pulling the covers up over them both.

With Harry's little cry ringing still in his ears, Louis thought he had to apologize about pushing Harry down so hard... Explain that it hadn't at all been his intention. Make sure that they were okay. He would just close his eyes a little at first... Just close his eyes... Hot Harry against his side, warm covers on top of his half-naked body and everything felt just warm, fluffy and cozy.

Louis fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, I realize that these last chapters have been a lot about falling a sleep and waking up, and this one too... Sorry! I am not a professional writer, that's my only excuse! :)
> 
> Also, this fic are taking turns now, not very big, and not very many, but maybe turns that not everyone are into. I'm sorry if some of you don't like it, but I like it, so it's the way it have to be. 
> 
> And, this story are still in the writing, and I have one more thing in mind to happen, everything else will come as they like, when they like to, or not at all and the story will in that case end soon. I just don't know (and it's kind of a charm in that too, innit?) and I'm just writing and having fun along the way!
> 
> Peace and love! :)

A clattering in the kitchen woke Louis up. Lying in the sofa, he looked around the livingroom and when he sat up he felt his boxer shorts sitting uncomfortable around his thighs. As he pulled them up, he remembered his last thoughts before he had fallen asleep. He covered his face with his hands, frustrated, and scolded himself for having fallen asleep, leaving his pretty boy without an excuse. What if he had hurt him and then just passed out like a fucking idiot?!

Louis was so ashamed, he felt his face burn from his awful behaviour, but he was man enough to stand up for his actions and correct what might have gone wrong. He got up off the sofa and resolutely stepped out to the kitchen.

Once there, he stopped in the doorway, nervous. He shifted from one foot to the other over and over again as he stood there, without saying anything at all. Harry turned around and lit up at the sight of Louis, who was glad that he hadn't accidentally scared him, like some rotten damn cherry on an already horrible milkshake. So to speak. "Hey..." Louis said and directed a wry smile to Harry. God, he felt so stupid! But he was not an asshole, so some sort of clearing the air had to be done!

"Hi!" Harry said, smiling big. Louis felt himself relax. Okay, with that smile, it can't be that bad.

"How... are you?" Louis asked, indecisively.

Harry continued to smile. "Awesome." he replied as he used one hand to put a plate with scrambled eggs on the table, and the other one to let a big bowl of fruit salad join next to the eggs. "I was kinda running wild here in your kitchen while you were sleeping, I hope it's okay?"

Louis smiled with relief. "Of course... What time is it anyway?" he wondered, and turned to get at look on the clock hanging on the wall above him in the doorway. Half past one.

"You only slept for an hour." Harry said, now with his back against Louis again. It seemed that he were chopping something. "I didn't want to wake you up, you looked so peaceful." he said, glancing at Louis over his shoulder.

Chop chop chop, the knife sounded like a woodpecker in Louis' little kitchen and he tried to understand what Harry had been able to dig up in his home that could be chopped. He believed that he basically only had canned food at home and hadn't realized that lunch could be something they would need before the take out they would enjoy tonight, celebrating the new year.

"I'm making a small tomato salad, it's nice to have as an accompaniment to the scrambled eggs." Harry explained, still turned away from Louis.

Tomato salad? Louis frowned. He never had much vegetables at home. What did those come from?

"Well..." Harry said, again looking at Louis over his shoulder. "...I brought some food when I came here the other day. You look a little confused, is that what's bothering you?"

He scraped all the chopped veggies in a bowl and went over to the table and put it down next to the other bowls.

"Yeah..." Louis replied. For he had wondered about that. Too. "Yes, vegetables... So, Harry..." was all he managed to say, before he was interrupted.

"Sit down, let's eat now. I'm starving, you ought to be quite hungry too...?" Harry said with a quick glance at Louis, accompanied by a small but knowing smile, as he put scrambled eggs on his plate.

Louis wondered if it was a dig at him. God, he must apologize. But Harry looked so happy. But he had to have an excuse anyway.

He made another attempt.

"Harry..."

"Mhm?" Harry answered, mouth full of scrambled eggs and tomato salad.

But then Louis felt that lunch could maybe be held in peace. It might kill the mood to bring up that dumb thing that had happened during their first so intimate moment together... Maybe it was stupid thinking that way. An apology could never hurt. But. Louis hesitated.

He bit his lip and mumbled "Um... no, it can wait. Okay?"

"Okay." Harry replied carefree and chewed happily on a piece of apple.

The lunch went by with easy small talk, laughter and a whole lot of foot flirting. Louis wondered if he had just imagined what he thought he had heard during their amazing time together. Perhaps Harry had been all quiet after all? Maybe he would just get shy again by the attempt to make the excuse, just as Louis felt he began to open up a bit?

It gnawed on Louis, it did, but the hours passed, the day turned into night, and the apology seemed farther and farther away. Less and less important, since Harry was so happy and comfortable in Louis' company. He couldn't have been offended by Louis hands? He might not have pushed him down as hard as he thought? After all, he had been quite chaotic, perhaps the slightest thing seemed as something big and terrible?

Yes, maybe.

...

It was almost midnight. The three movies they had spent New Year's Eve night with was over, the take out food had been fantastic, and they were both tired by now.

"Want to go outside? On the stroke of midnight, to watch all the fireworks?" Harry had asked when Louis turned off the tv.

"Nah... not necessarily." Louis replied. "Do you?"

Harry shook his head. "Nope. But we could maybe hurry to bed, so we can watch them all tucked in and cozy?" he suggested looking hopeful. A few days after the first night together, it was like they both forgot to put on a t-shirt before going to bed, and it felt all natural, so now they were lying in bed, closely entwined on soft pillows, almost naked bodies, under a warm cover. They looked out the window, the sky was black and still.

"It's a quarter to twelve." Harry said after having a look at his cell phone. "How can we kill that quarter the best...?" he continued, looking at Louis with sparkling eyes.

Louis smiled and replied "I might have an idea..."

Harry grinned widely, put his fingers around Louis' upper arm and pulled lightly, wanted him on top of him. Louis followed willingly and their lips met. A contented sigh were to be heard from Harry and now the little sliver of apology that had been left at Louis, was all gone. His boy was happy, sounded very satisfied, and he wanted Louis on top of him. Louis released his concerns fully as he felt Harry lift his hips in a circular motion against him. He had probably just imagined the sound. They are all good now. He met Harry's body with his own.

None of them noticed either when the fireworks began or ended.

...

 

The morning was quiet. Harry lay looking out into the darkness listening to Louis calm steady breaths. It was there again, that feeling. The cautious feeling of happiness, the little dizzying feeling of "Can it really be true? Can all this good really be happening to me?" When Louis began to move next to him, and without opening his eyes or say something, put his arm around Harry and sighed happily, Harry felt that he probably had everything he ever wanted in life.

A short while later, Louis opened his eyes. "Are you awake?" he wondered with the cutest hoarse morning voice when he saw Harry watching him. "Mm, I have been lying here looking at you for a while, as in one of those romantic movies, you know..." Harry answered and grinned at him.

Louis grinned back and leaned forward to kiss him on the nose. "Creep!" he said and giggled happily. Then he lay right down again and just enjoyed Harry's presence. And began to think. And think some more. And felt the tiny little gnawing in his stomach come back. For yesterday he had let go of the thought of saying something, of giving Harry an apology for what had happened, everything had felt so good, but now it was back, that feeling that he really should bring it up...

He decided that he would do it. He opened his mouth but closed it again, for just then Harry's one hand began caressing Louis' naked belly. 'Oh my God' he thought. 'I'm so fucking hooked on this boy. He touches me with his fingertips for two seconds and I could do somersaults around the globe just by it!'

Louis let out a contented hum, and he promised himself - promised! - that soon, before they get out of bed at least, Harry would have his excuse. Whether he wanted it or not - my god, what's this boy's fingertips made of, velvet and lightning and silk or?! - then Louis get out an apology. Yes, Louis was determined of it.

Harry's hand continued to caress Louis stomach, and he moved his head from the pillow, to lie on his chest instead. Louis' hand was on his way to Harry's tousled hair, but he stopped himself. Now. He had to bring it up. Now.

"Harry..." he said softly. "Um..."

"Mm...?" Harry answered, fingertips moving still, constantly spreading soft little shocks over Louis' body.

"Yesterday, after we had breakfast, when...um, when..." Louis murmured, and cleared his throat a little, though he really didn't need it at all, he was just trying to fill the room with anything other than nervous little words.

Louis wasn't sure, but it felt like Harry smiled against his belly.

"Mm...?" Harry answered again.

Louis looked up at the ceiling. Why was it so hard to just get it out? A quick apology, checking so that everything was fine between them, then it was over.

"I... It felt like... I mean..." Louis was sweating a little, and wondered if Harry could feel it. "Harry, it didn't feel right..."

"No?" Harry said, and let is thumb circle around Louis navel in a way that made Louis head spin.

Louis closed his eyes and continued "No... Harry, when you... we...."

"Are you talking about when I sucked you off?" Harry helped Louis by suggesting.

Louis swallowed. "Yes. When you... did that...it was very very nice..." and now Louis were sweating even more, because, in addition to this morning's expected stiffness, he felt himself getting more and more hard under the covers, at a furious pace, by the memory of the night before.

He continued "... when you.... we... when you..."

"...sucked you off." Harry said again and Louis giggled nervously before he rolled his eyes at the giggle, he totally behaved like a twelve year-old.

He continued, serious now. "Yes. Yeah, Harry, when you sucked me off... Well, when... When I came... Harry, I pushed you down pretty hard..." Louis gulped and looked gratefully up at the ceiling again. There. It was said now, there was no turning back from now on. "I don't know, like, I have never done that before to someone and it felt absolutely not okay, and I'll be honest" Louis felt the words rolling in with ease now "I don't know how hard I held you down, or if I even did, I mean, it felt like it, but it was so incredibly good, I have never felt that way with someone before, so I kind of just... I just .. lost it, and on top of it all you swallowed!, and everything was just too much in every way, and I am SO SORRY, but I think I pushed you down way too hard, and I... well, I just want to apologize. I didn't mean to, I promise. It won't happen again, I'm really sorry. I just wanted to say that, know that we are okay, even though this...? Okay? I'm sorry..."

Harry was silent. The fingers still now. Louis swallowed. Shit shit shit. Why didn't he say something? Louis began to squirm restlessly, but relaxed the second Harry's fingers began to slide across his stomach again.

"But I liked it." Harry said calmly.

Bang - a bomb fell into Louis belly and exploded. Harry liked it?!

"You did...?" Louis said. "But... Didn't I push you down very hard? It felt like I did. Felt like I was really hard on your hair, as well...?" Louis trailed off, a little confused.

"Yes you were. " Harry answered.

"Which, my grip on your hair or the way I pressed you down?" Louis wondered anxiously. Perhaps he hadn't held Harry's hair so hard?

"Both. You kept a tight hold with both hands in my hair, and pressed me down by holding it lightly at first, then harder and harder, and you lifted your hips upwards so you came into my mouth even deeper before you let go a little and I had the chance to catch my breath, and then... then you did it again. It was probably that second time that made me moan..." Harry described calmly and in detail to a speechless and unplanned very turned on Louis.

My god, Harry really had moaned, Louis hadn't imagined it?!

"Okay..." Louis replied hesitantly, a little confused, but at the same time so horrible damn horny. "But... Was it okay...? It still felt a little to... rough..." , Louis still wanted to find his way to that apology, but the road there suddenly felt a little difficult.

"It was very okay. I... I like it rough..." Harry answered, and now Louis felt the big hand that caressed his stomach slowly slowly started to slide down.

"You... like it rough?" Louis repeated and maybe his voice trembled a little.

"Mm." was the only response Louis got from Harry. If you don't count the hand that grabbed Louis now rock hard cock. Louis heard himself emit a sound like he embarrassingly enough could not describe as anything other than a whimper. Harry likes it rough. Louis had never been rough with a partner before, and still Harry's words, his description of what they had done, made Louis want to throw himself a cliff unless he could be in Harry's mouth again. And keep a hard hold on the silky curls. A hard hard hold.

...

Louis was again lying sweaty with Harry beside him. His heart were still beating hard in is chest and his brain tried to grasp this new, amazing thing, that suddenly had made an appearance in his life. Allowing horniness to control his hands, letting his hands control Harry, knowing that the harsh movements Louis steered Harry with while he had Louis cock deep down his throat, were making Harry indescribably horny.

Because that had happened, this second time aswell. Louis had heard that. No one in the world would believe that Harry had felt nothing but pleasure if they had heard his moans when Louis roughly entered his mouth. God, Louis was almost getting hard again, thinking back on it. That dark, slow voice, how amazing it had sounded when it turned into moans, and then changed again, to lighter, more desperate cries, at the same time a little muffled. Louis had first become worried that this was enough, he had to stop now, it sounded like Harry almost cried when he heard his beautiful boy between his legs, but when he lifted his head from the pillow to check on him, he saw how he frantically stroked himself with the hand that was not pressed into the mattress right next to Louis hip to hold himself up.

The sight had been what got Louis over the edge and he came hard, with a firm hold on Harry's hair, teeth clenched, his voice just like a rumble down in his chest while he pushed his hips up, feeling Harry's face pressed hard against himself. He thought he should have prepared him, but he didn't have time to, and just like last time, Harry swallowed everything he got, emitting delicate little moans, more of them this time, and somewhat with a more desperate sound. Louis had sank down on the pillow again, panting. Harry had thrown himself beside him after coming hard, messing up the sheets but couldn't care less, light gasps to try to catch his breath. "Lou... I felt you so deep inside of me... God Louis, the way you pushed me down, it felt so good, so so good. The grip in my hair, oh god thank you... " he had babbled, voice a little rough. "Louis... thank you. Thank you, I needed this, so much."

All Louis could do was nod, and let a hand reach out for Harry, until he felt his skin under his fingers. He caressed the body part he had landed on, stomach, and continued to catch his breath. What an amazing human being he had met. And what amazing experiences he gave him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn't suppose to be published just yet, my plan for this evening was to write a new chapter in my language... But my blog where I upload them are shut down, so I did translate this one instead. And this was the last chapter written, so next one up will probably be a while.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of angst here. First time writing that. Hmm...

Louis were brooding. He didn't really know if he really had a reason to, but he was brooding. Perhaps he just imagined the tiny nagging feeling inside him, telling him that something was a little tense between him and Harry, but he just couldn't let it go. Everything was going so well between them, everything felt just as it should. They enjoyed each others company and they missed each other when they were apart. They even had set a date for when they officially became a couple, they had been giggling like crazy while toasting from their cups of tea over the beautiful thing which was now two insanely in love boyfriends.

Despite this, Louis couldn't let this little nagging feeling go. Ever since New Year's Eve, he had over and over again, with his hands tightly gripping Harry's hair, reached the seventh heaven, he had heard his boyfriend's delicate little sounds so many times that he could just reach for them in his memory, hearing them wherever he wanted to. The delightful sounds, spanning the entire range from contented little moans to high-pitched sobs; on the verge for Louis to again be afraid that Harry would be crying, were ringing in his ears whenever he wanted, and he loved it. He saw and knew that Harry loved that they had taken their intimacy a notch further.

But.

Four weeks had passed since New Year's Eve, four weeks had passed since that amazing moment when he let emotions take over and without knowing it, had treated Harry like he wanted to be treated. Louis had lost count of how many times it had happened since. Once, they even made it on a bus empty of people apart from them and the driver, late one night, cuddling up in the very back of the vehicle. Louis had hesitated, had been so scared that the driver would notice them. But when Harry took Louis' hands and placed them gently on top of the dark curls covering his neck, chin already resting on Louis' lap, it was like the risk of being discovered made it all even better. It ended up with Louis whispering gasping out "Harry, so good, so so good... You're so good to me, you're so good..." and then came so hard that he saw stars.

What Louis however now were troubled about, was that there had never been quite the opposite. Not once had he made it just as nice for Harry, the way Harry so often did for him. The first few times, he didn't even think about it, he was so contained with how good they had it together that he probably lost a bit of his wit... but when two weeks had passed, he suddenly realized one day that he had never touched Harry's body as he touched Louis, and he was appalled! He felt like a big egoist! Everything had been so new and nervous in the beginning, they had been making out, they had been dryhumping like crazy and then Harry had taken that first step, and after that Louis had somehow been thrown into a hurricane by the never ending unreal orgasms. He had approached Harry at times, quite undramatic, as to let his hand slide a little higher up on his thigh as they sat watching a movie. But it always always ended up with Harry changing his position so that Louis could no longer reach, or sometimes he simply just got up from the sofa and with a smile that made his beautiful dimples show, would ask if Louis wanted some tea, or popcorn, or more soda or a glass of water, or whatever really...

Louis had felt a little rejected, but tried to explain it all with that Harry might still feel shy, unsure in the way he had been when they first started dating, when he asked for permission for so much. Maybe it was some of that uncertainty still remaining. Louis guessed that kind of feeling didn't just disappear.

For each day that passed though, it became harder and harder to explain Harry's avoidance behaviour with his insecurity, for he became more open, happier and more confident. Louis felt fortunate to get to follow these developments and feel that he was part of it, but it didn't match that he then never got to touch him. While they became closer and closer, Louis felt that a small piece of them slowly were drifting apart.

He decided to stop trying to sneak in touches, decided to put an end to his worries. He had to try to understand why it was like this between them. But it was hard. He didn't want to force anything at Harry, he felt too delicate, vulnerable, even though he had blossomed so much. Louis didn't really dare to make any commands, and he didn't really know how to approach Harry with words, didn't want to embarrass him. So one rainy evening in late January, just when they had laid down to sleep, Louis decided because it was time. Without words, they would finally find Harry's pleasure together.

It did not end as Louis had planned.

It ended with Harry, just seconds after Louis' fingers had brushed against the edge of the black boxers, had shown a large dimpled smile, stroked Louis over his hair, explained that he was tired, and turned his back to him, falling asleep.

Louis had remained at his side bed with an uneasy feeling in his body, couldn't bring himself to even sneak up close behind Harry and hold him as he always did when they were going to sleep. He just lay there, motionless. He felt so terrible rejected. And he felt stupid. As it was wrong of him to want to bring his boyfriend pleasure. He felt tears burn behind his eyelids, and he blinked them away as best he could but a few still found their way down the sides of his face, making the pillow uncomfortable damp.

Harry was already asleep, letting out calm steady breaths and Louis wondered what this boy did to him that made him want to cry just by having turned his back against him. He had, after all, said that he was tired. Louis knew that it wasn't an uncommon thing, he spent long days in the bakery where he worked and he loved it, but he would often come home and loudly whine over how hectic it had been during the day.

So maybe it wasn't so weird. Harry was tired. It probably wasn't an... excuse... It was probably true. Because, he would never lie, would he? Saying that he was tired and turn his back on Louis, only to escape his hands on his body? Louis' stomach were aching from the thought of that. They were so happy together. So what was wrong? Because it was something.

Frustrated, Louis wiped away those stubborn tears that wouldn't stop running, and forced himself to try to sleep. After drawing a deep sigh in an attempt to calm his worrying, he turned his back against the warm body that he over the past weeks had come to love so much.

...

 

Harry wanted to cry. He had never fought so hard with something, as he did now, to keep his breathing calm and steady, so that Louis would think he was asleep. He wanted to cry, he wanted to roll over to Louis' side, tell him sorry and feel Louis hands caress his hair and tell him not to worry, that he understands, and that everything will be fine.

But he didn't move. Of course. Because he was stupid. Stupid and foolish and silly and stupid and not worthy Louis. Harry's heart almost broke when he felt Louis move ever so little beside him in the bed, he would swear that the movement came from Louis wiping away tears. Harry had done it enough times to recognize it just by how the mattress moved. But then it had been the other way around. Then it was he who fought against crying over a boyfriend who had hurt him, then it was he who had felt rejected again and again, and he hated hated hated himself, who now found himself in the same situation but on the other side.

With a pounding heart, he tried to fall asleep. It was hard. He was so angry at himself, so miserably angry with himself for doing this to Louis. Tomorrow he would make everything right again. Never again would he make Louis cry. Tomorrow, he would apologize, he would explain and he would kiss Louis and assert his love and Louis would understand and hold him and everything would be well again. Tomorrow.

...

"Would you like some more tea?"

Louis looked up from the table, he had been sitting staring absently at a paint stain on the light wood surface. It had to be a nice little memory from when one of his little sisters were visiting and were kept at bay with paper and pens. He tried to rub it off with his finger, but it was probably just stuck firmly by several times now.

"Um, yes. Yes please." he replied, and gave up the little fight against the stain. He felt tired and had a little headache from how tense it was between him and Harry.

With the feelings from yesterday still lingering in his body, he held up his cup to Harry and tried a grateful smile when the hot beverage filled his cup.

He assumed that he totally failed though. He was a man of emotions. Was he happy, it would show, was he sad - well that would show too. He tried to fake a good mood, but it was doomed to fail. He still felt sad since yesterday and it would pass, but right now he was not happy. He accepted it, but was hoping that Harry wouldn't notice anything. His boyfriend had been tired, had every right to be tired, of course he would get to sleep. Everything is okay, Louis said to himself. Perhaps he is more alert tonight. I will try again tonight, Louis thought, but felt in that moment that his pride had been slightly wounded. He was scared to try again and being rejected again. Scared to death really.

So it had to be now. Maybe not over the breakfast table, but... as soon as they had eaten, and as soon as they had made themselves comfortable on the sofa or the bed.

Louis sighed quietly. He felt his always so cheerful mood shrivel like a fallen leaf, and it scared him. He didn't use to be this impressionable and what had actually happened? He had decided to treat Harry as he himself had been so fantastic treated for several weeks, but Harry had been tired? Yeah? So try again then. To get a hang up like this on this tiny thing seemed just childish. Louis sighed again. Harry must mean a lot lot more to him than he realized.

"You wanna see a movie before I have to go to work?" Harry suggested. Louis looked up, he had been sitting staring at nothing in particular, absorbed in his thoughts. "If we take a 90-minute one, we can make a whole movie."

Louis smiled a little. "Sure." he replied and got up. It hurt inside of him. The distress of yesterday ached and it doubled as he walked past Harry, who were almost jumping out of his way. Those who always used to touch each other, if so only with a finger against an arm. No contact at all, in the little kitchen this morning.

Heavy on the feet, Louis went out to the living room and sat down on the sofa.

Harry didn't leave the kitchen. He couldn't move an inch. He stood by the zink, whatching his knuckles whiten more and more. He could throw something on the floor, he was so frustrated. In a normal relationship, they had given and taken each other the same things by now, it had not only been one who were giving, giving, giving. He knew that yesterday would've come eventually, he realized that of course a normal guy not only want to receive. Harry had conveniently avoided any small subconsciously attempt from Louis' side to close encounters, but yesterday it seemed like it had been stepped up, like Louis had suddenly woken up and realized that it was a very one-sided relationship.

Harry closed his eyes. He would see a movie with Louis now, he hoped they would be able to sit close to each other like they'd always do, and slowly slowly getting back to what they were before last night. Maybe even kiss a little. Be like they used to. And then, tonight, Harry would gather courage and explain why he couldn't let Louis touch him.

When Harry came into the living room, he sat down at the end of the sofa opposite from Louis, holding his teacup with both hands. Louis thought it looked like he was putting up some kind of shield in front of him.

"What are we gonna watch? Did you choose anything?" Harry wondered and took a sip of his tea.

"No, I didn't choose anything. Harry. Do we have to watch a movie? We have over an hour on our hands. That amount of time leaves us to do a lot of nice stuff..." Louis said and smiled a little. When he saw Harry brighten up and nod, he suddenly felt hopeful. Oh! Now! Maybe it was okay now, after a long night's sleep, maybe he really is up for it now, maybe he just was really tired yesterday!

Louis smiled back when Harry put his cup on the table and moved closer to Louis. Their lips met and they both sighed contentedly and slid down to lying, Harry happily on his back with Louis on top of him. After a short while Harry's hands moved down, started to grope for the buttons in Louis' pants, and Louis could tell on Harry's ragged breathing that he was already really turned on.

Louis' body reacted instantly and he became hard in a matter of seconds. Eagerly he rubbed himself against Harry and Harry met him instinctively. The kisses became deeper and deeper and Louis' head were spinning, he hadn't know he had longed this much! With the knowledge in mind that Harry likes Louis hands in his hair, to pull a bit, he took a hard hold of Harry's wrists and pinned them down above his head with one hand. Harry let out a pretty little moan and just turned lax under him, apart from the hips that over and over met Louis'. But as soon as Louis' free hand slid down Harry's body, it was like Harry unconsciously protected himself, put up a barrier, in the form of a leg somehow meeting the other so that Louis felt shut out. Louis thought the situation just needed a little push, a little help for Harry to understand how nice it could be for him, so quickly and without warning, he grabbed down on Harry through his boxers.

The reaction was not what he had expected. He didn't quite know what he had expected, but it was not this. At all.

Because Harry twisted his wrists out of the grip over his head, knocked Louis' other hand away, quickly got himself up from the sofa and stood beside it screaming "But don't you get it? I don't want to! I can't! It's all ruined!"

Louis sat up on his knees by now, trying to come up with something to answer Harry with, something, whatever, but he was so surprised at Harry's reaction that he didn't know what to say. So Harry continued, while with trembling hands putting on his jeans. "There is no point in continuing this. I thought we could have it like we did up until now, but apparently not. Excuse me for being a fucking mental case, but I don't want you to touch me, I never want to you touch me, I'll come and get my stuff another day, this will never work!"

And with those words he ran out from the room, flung the front door open and left Louis paralysed in the sofa, still trying to find something to say, even though he was alone now. If he had felt empty inside before, it was nothing like what he was feeling now. What had happened? Was Harry angry with him? Why? Had he.... Oh god, a cold hand clenched around Louis heart... Had Harry broken up with him...? To say that you pick up your stuff another day sounded undeniably so... Everything had happened so fast and Louis felt like he had been run over by a train. The only sound was in the apartment now was his heartbeat pounding hard in his ears. He felt nauseous. What on earth had happened?

...

The following week, Louis were living like in a vacuum. He had two shows at the club, but despite the cheers and applause when he stepped off the stage, he felt that he made two of his absolute worst shows ever and he had not been surprised if he had been sacked on the spot.

When he was home, all he did was picking up his phone, putting it back down again, over and over again. It was the only thing he did during his waking hours, wanting to call Harry, wanted to hear his voice, he longed for Harry so much it, but he still felt so taken by surprise and felt so hurt, that he didn't dare to call. He felt like a puppy who got kicked by the master he had always trusted. So he went to his job, went home, had cereal and drank tea, day in and day out. And every time he heard someone walking in the stairwell outside his door his stomach knotted up because he thought that now, maybe, it was Harry who came to collect his belongings. Deep inside he knew, however, that it never was Harry. He would recognize his steps in the stairs if he so heard a thousand people storming up his house. Always always would he be able to find Harry in the crowd.

...

Harry was miserable too. He didn't sleep, he didn't eat, he scolded himself over and over and over again. He fell asleep with a headache and woke up with a headache. Every waking moment at home, he sat on the sofa with his phone, typing texts to Louis, deleting them, writing and deleting. He could call. That is in every way better than sending some small piece of text in an attempt to explain the outbreak he had had , but he didn't dare to. How would he ever be able to apologize? There were no excuses in the world that could relieve what poor distressed Louis had to suffer through.

He sat in his sofa, his head buried in his hands. He was dangerously close to start rocking back and forth to relieve the anxiety razing in his body, but the realization that it would make him seem a hundred percent wacky stopped him. He would go to sleep. Needed to go to sleep, he had the early shift at the bakery next morning, and the alarm would go off in only 2 hours. But he couldn't go to sleep, he missed Louis so that it hurt, physically hurt, every second of every day. How could anyone sleep then?!

Nine days had passed now, and Harry still had not dared to call and apologize or give an explanation. Louis hadn't made any attempt to call Harry either. Harry began to realize that Louis had rose after the little telling-off Harry had given him, and simply moved on with his life. The green knitted sweater Harry had forgotten at Louis was his favourite, and he thought he had forgotten one of his rings there aswell. Maybe some cd or so too, but all of that could stay. Louis was a forgotten chapter now. An experienced chapter, it had been fantastic, Harry had been so in love - still was - but that was over now. Happiness was meant for some people in the world, and Harry was not one of them. Harry realized that he probably sounded like the natural winner in the Feeling-sorry-for-himself-contest, but he just couldn't muster up enough of cares for it.

He got up and pressed his hands one last time against his temples and started walking towards the bathroom.

That was when he heard the phone starting to ring behind him. It lay on the living room table and played a far too cheerful melody. Harry spun around on the spot and stared incredulously at it. It was 2 am. Who would be calling at this hour? He was seconds away from turning again and head to the bathroom, but a tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny shard of his sad inner self told him that it could be Louis. 'It may be so. Go on honey, take a look.'

He went over to the table and looked. It was Louis. On the small screen shone the word "Darling" and Harry sank down on the sofa. Did nothing. Didn't answer. Didn't dare to. Stared and stared at the phone until it stopped ringing and a small red handset showed up instead, as a small reminder that he actually had not imagined that 'Darling' had tried to call him.

The headache was suddenly gone. Now he was just dizzy, tired and confused. Why had Louis called? Why now? It was Saturday, he might just have come home from work. Why - WHY - didn't Harry pick up? Would he call back?

Harry was scared. What would he get to hear if he called back? He buried his head in his hands again, and now he just had to rock back and forth. The thoughts whirled in his head, longing to hear Louis' voice, blended with self-loathing and fear of being yelled at. His heart wanted to call back right away, but his body stopped him. He thought he was doing himself a favour. He believed that Louis had moved on, and he would let him go on. He would not call.

He went off to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and went to bed.

...

Three days later, Harry sat on the sofa again. Or, really, were STILL sitting on the sofa. Again it was far too late at night, and he had to get up and get to work the next day, he needed to sleep, but he couldn't fall asleep, no matter what he did. He was feeling crappy. During these last three never-ending days, he had regretted that he hadn't picked up when Louis called. He regretted that he hadn't answered, and that he didn't call back, and that he hadn't called back since.

Then the phone rang. "Darling".

Harry stared at the phone.

It kept ringing. It was half past three in the morning.

It was still ringing and ringing. Harry was about to let a shaky hand get the phone and pick up when everything fell silent, the answering machine must have gone on. Harry thought, 'It's now or never' and picked up the phone to call back when it started ringing again. "Darling".

He swept a shivering finger across the screen to connect the call, put the phone to his ear, and breathed out a "Hello... ?"

"Harry." he heard a voice on the other end and he slapped his hand over his mouth to not suddenly start to cry. Oh god, he loved Louis so much. Oh how he loved him! And how he missed him. Oh god! He hadn't really understood that before, just thought he missed the... idea of a great relationship with a beautiful boy.

"Hey..." he squeaked, with a trembling voice, his hand still partly covering the mouth. Slowly he let it fall into his lap as he listened to Louis.

"Harry... I am drunk. I'm sorry to call so late. But I'm drunk and that's why I'm calling and I'm drunk and that's why I'm calling so late. Sorry. But I had to call but I didn't fucking dare to be sober for it so now I'm drunk and I'd like to have some sort of explanation of why it turned out like this. I don't understand, I need to understand, everything's just a mess in my head, why did you disappear? I don't understand! Harry, I... " Louis voice cracked and it hurt Harry so much to hear this happy man so desperate. "...Harry, I... " Louis sobbed and tried to collect himself to keep talking. "...Harry, please, I don't understand what happened. I didn't want it to" - Louis sobbed again - "turn out like this, I'm so sorry, so sorry that I" - another sob - "hurt you, I didn't understand. I still don't understand. Please Harry, please please, won't you explain to me, please. I love you. Please Harry, it's so fucked up that" - sob - "the first time I say it to you is over the phone in this fucking situation, but it's true Harry, I love you so damn much, it hurts so much, I miss you so much I think I'm gonna break. Harry, what happened, please please explain... Please..."

Harry hears Louis fade away a bit from the phone now, hears him not being able to hold it together any longer. There are not only restrained sobs to be heard now, because from the phone, and into Harry's ear and directly to his heart, he can hear Louis' cry, openly and angst-ridden, alone in his apartment. It's pure torture to hear him so sad and know that it is because of nothing more than Harry and his behaviour. He doesn't know what to say. He's just miserable, holding the phone as if his life depended on it, it hurts so much to listen to Louis and not being able to comfort him and explain WHY. But how afraid he ever could be, to reveal him and his past to Louis, he will do it. This amazing man is worth it.

"Lou..." he says gently. He hears Louis sob in the background, he can't tell if Louis can hear him talking to him. "Louis." he tries again.

"Yes...?" Louis creaks out, close to the speaker again.

"I... I'll tell you. I have to tell you. I have been unfair to you, it wasn't fair to... disappear like that, without explaining. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah...?" Louis says, trying to hide another sob.

"Lou, my darling... I love you too. I love you so insanely much. I missed you terribly. I am so so sorry I made all of this happen, i just want t...."

"...Harry... Won't you come to me?" Louis interrupts. "Won't you come to me? Please, I... I need you. Please, come and hold me. Please... "

For a few seconds Harry's pondering the fact that he actually has a job to show up at about an hour, but then he quickly let that thought go, and decide to call his boss in the taxi on the way home to Louis, to ask him to cover for him.

"I'm coming. Go to bed baby, I'll catch a cab, It doesn't matter if you fall asleep, just go to bed, I will be there." he tells Louis while putting on his shoes.

"Thank you... I love you...." Louis murmurs.

Harry smiles. "I love you too." he replies, and then ends the call to directly call a cab.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> I just realized, maybe maybe, some warnings might be needed here... Harry tells Louis things from his past, maybe that could be a bit harsh to read... So be careful, sweeties. Read slowly so you don't suddenly reads tough shit, and then please skip the rest of the chapter it if you don't like it. Take care!

It's like someone is hitting Louis in the head with a hammer. A big, heavy, hammer made of lead, again and again, bam, bam, bam, bam. His mouth is dry, he's warm and sweaty in the most unpleasant of ways and he realizes that he's still fully dressed underneath the warm cover. He groans loud and throws the cover off of him, and tries to reach the hem of his shirt that has gotten all twisted around his torso. He tries that for about three and a half second before he lets out a tortured sound and gives up because the headache gets ten times worse by the struggle.

He lies motionless with his eyes closed, head slightly spinning, trying to hold back the nausea that's creeping up on him, because hey, of course it's not enough with the headache. He breathes in deep calming breath, letting them out again slowly, and trying to remember back to what happened yesterday. He lets out another groan and crumples his face when he remembers that he was sitting around in his flat, drinking in his solitude, trying to gather the courage to call Harry. When his brain slowly leads him through the course of events, the nausea washes over him like a tidal wave because suddenly he remembers! He called Harry - who didn't pick up! Louis throws his arm over his eyes when he remembers that he actually tried to call Harry AGAIN. In the middle of the fucking night, he sits there, drunk as a skunk, and gives the poor boy another call!

Louis groans again.

And gets scared half to death by a voice saying "I have some water here, and painkillers. Do you think you're able to sit up?"

"Oh my God!" Louis burst out and gets directly punished for it, because someone has added spikes on that hammer in his head.

"Easy now... I'll help you drink, okay? Put these pills in your mouth, and then we hold the glass together, yeah?"

"Harry..." Louis mumbles with his eyes closed. "What... why are you here...?"

Dizzy, he tries to search his mind, he doesn't remember anything it seems... He has absolutely no memory of Harry coming home to Louis. Nothing at all... or... wait... Louis starts to remember... Oh... Oh, GOD, he remembers now... Oh god... Surprised, he suddenly remembered himself crying. "I cried..." he mumbled partly to himself, partly to Harry.

"Come on, now take these." is the only response he gets from Harry.

Louis remembers that he cried... His tortured mind slowly takes him through the previous night step by step. He cried. And... declared his love for Harry. At the memory of that, he's opening his eyes wide. Harry sits by his side, as a dark-haired angel, with two white little pills in one hand and a big glass of water in the other.

"I love you... " Louis mumbles while he looks at Harry as much as he can, it's hard because of that stinging daylight that creeps through his bedroom window. He closes his eyes again and can hear Harry reply with a smile "I know. You told me yesterday. I love you too."

It feels warm inside Louis. It feels warm and soft, and beautiful inside of him at Harry's words. He hasn't felt this lovely feeling since that terrible morning when Harry left him. That horrendous morning. Louis shudders from the memory.

"You broke up up with me... " he says, slightly accusatory, like a child, while he squints against Harry. "Harry, I love you."

"And I love you. And I - here, please take these now - I am so so so so so sorry for how I behaved!"

Louis feel tears welling up behind his eyelids, an ache taking over his throat, and he swallows and swallows, trying not to cry. He feels unexpectedly emotional. He listens to Harry as he with closed eyes swallow gulp after gulp of the cold water. He grimaces when the pills slides down crosswise in his throat, and then he drops down on his pillow again. At last he stopped sweating.

"Louis, I was so stupid. I was so completely wrong, and treated you so bad, but I couldn't help it. It was some sort of... escape behaviour. A foolish attempt to protect myself. Please forgive me. I... I want to explain. But I don't know if I dare to."

"Try." Louis says.

"Mm..." Harry mumbled while he absentminded let his fingertips run along Louis' arm, up and down and up. "Maybe... later...Okay?"

"But Harry... Please explain. It doesn't matter what it is, I need to understand why it got like this. I have scolded myself a thousand times, I've played up those seconds in my mind, over and over again - but I just can't see how I could've made you so angry! I am so sorry, that wasn't the intention! Please forgive me, I don't understand, but maybe if you explain, I can see what I did wrong, and never do it again. I have been feeling so bad about this... I'm so sorry it turned out like this."

Now it's Harry's turn to feel the tears well up, feel how it burns behind his eyelids, and he caresses Louis arm so concentrated to keep himself from crying, that he is worried that he'll soon burn the hairs on his arm.

"Louis, it's not your fault!" he explains and Louis can hear it in his voice, how important it is for Harry for Louis to understand. "Absolutely not, please don´t ever think that. It was me, it's me who's... messed up. It's me and my memories... and my experiences that led me to act like that. Please, you must believe me."

"But I did something. I made you that angry. You yelled at me and left me, and I didn't hear from you after that, I didn't hear from you in nearly two weeks, not until I got myself drunk and called you in the middle of night, I got to hear your voice again!" Louis exclaims. He feels angry, sad and confused now. He needs an explanation.

"I know... I'm sorry... " Harry mumbles again. He takes a deep breath. "I'll explain. But can it wait? Until you're a little more alert, perhaps? You want to get some more sleep?"

The thought of going back to sleep is very very tempting and even though Louis needs to know why it got that way between them, he says "Okay... " and relaxes completely against Harry's body as he creeps down next to him under the covers. They both fall asleep.

...

 

They have showered. They have had breakfast. They have had tea - Louis has been gulping down as if there were no tomorrow. He sits on the couch now, eyes following Harry as he walks back and forth across the floor. In his big hands he holds a little christmas elf, he's moving it nervously back and forth. The grey and red little guy was left behind in the flat after the Christmas decorations were put away, and Harry found it this morning, felt sorry about it and didn't want it to be alone now with all his Christmas friends gone. So now it goes with him back and forth, like a little mascot.

Louis can clearly see that Harry's having a hard time, it doesn’t seem to be an easy task to say what he is about to say. Normally Louis would sigh loudly, drum a little jingle on the table with his fingers and sigh "But just saaaaay iiiiiit!!".

But not now. Harry looks sick to his stomach from nervousness. The small elf jumps between Harry's right and left hand, back and forth, back and forth, and although Louis is a little afraid that it might fall to the floor and break, he says nothing. If it breaks, then it will break. Harry is more important. He can take all the time he needs. Break as many elfs he needs to.

"Well..." Harry begins.

Louis listens.

Harry says nothing more.

Louis waits.

Harry goes back and forth, back and forth. Then he stops and draws a deep breath of air and holds the small elf so tightly in his hand, that it looks like the skin over the knuckles will crack. Then he looks at Louis and says "My ex-boyfriend..."

It's like someone just punched Louis in the stomach. Yes, Harry's ex. That damn bastard James who as far as Louis' concerned could burn in hell for a while... like a million years or so... What the fuck about him??

"Yeah...?" he simply responds, keeping his thoughts to himself.

"He... he didn't treat me so well... he... Oh god, this is so hard, I have to walk a little, is that okay?" Harry says and starts walking again. The elf goes along. Louis waits.

And so Harry starts to talk again, wandering wandering, gazing down at the floor. "He... We, um... Well... Oh god Louis... I'm a freak. It's perfectly okay if you don't want to be with me. It's okay to leave me now or when I have told you, or whenever you want to. It's completely okay. Seriously, I understand if..."

"...continue to explain please!" Louis interrupts. Harry looks up nervously. "Okay... Okay."

He takes a deep breath and continues, standing still now. "He and I... we... Or... Um... Louis... You know, when we, you and I... when I... when you press my head down, when I go down on you..."

Louis nods and sends a discreet thought down to his middle regions to stay calm. This is a serious situation. No waking up now, please. They have a little power struggle, but mini-Louis stays down.

"Yes..." Louis answers, kinda wondering where Harry is headed with that as a start on the explanation.

"I like it. Like, I... I need it." Harry emphasizes the 'need'. "I need to feel that you... take the control. That you control me. I need to feel that I am not in control... Oh, god, do you understand at all...?"

Louis thinks he understands. Or not. He don't really know. "Explain more." he asks.

"I don't know why it is like this... It just is... I think... I think I always have been this way. Thus, I don't think he... made me this way. It kinda was like that from day one between him and me. He... he was dominant and I was..." Harry looks up at Louis now, hiding a bit behind the curls falling down in front of his eyes "Um, you know...like... submissive."

It feels like it's whirling inside of Louis' head. Dominant, he knew what it meant. It was not a difficult word, it was present in many different situations. Submissive on the other hand. It sounded so... serious. Like whips and chains and gagballs and leashes.

His thoughts must have been reflected in his face, for Harry hurried to him and squatted down in front of him. He gently put the elf down next to Louis on the couch and took Louis' hands in his. "I think I can see what's going on inside your head... But it was never like that. Not like you see in pornos. Not that rough. We never did it like that. We..." he stands up again and starts walking. He looks nervous again, just when he seemed to have found some kind of peace.

"We never did it like that" he says again. "Not with whips and chains, or that he called me... nasty names... It was more like... Like, he commanded. And I did. And that worked, for us. I... well, as I said, I need it, in order to go on, in some way, for some reason. I want to relinquish my control, I want to feel that my choice rests in someone else's hands. That my actions are determined by someone else, and I want to be physically controlled. Mostly during sex though. I like it. It makes me feel good. So that's what we did. Everything else about our relationship was normal."

"But...?" says Louis then.

"But...?" Harry repeats and looks confused.

"Yes... Something must've happened? Or why he has hurt you so much that you hardly dare to tell me?"

A shadow sweeps over Harry's face. He goes over to the couch and picks up the elf again. "My new friend helps me along the way." he says with a wry smile caressing the little man's red jacket.

Louis smiles. Harry is strange, but Louis is in love. Harry can caress how many elfs he'd like, it will still always feel warm and lovely inside of Louis when he's with Harry.

"Okay..." Harry says, the smile gone again. "Okay... So um...we were together for four years. The first two years were great. It really was... perfect. I was in love and he was lovely and we had a wonderful time together... well, he was a normal person, you know, a normal guy. We had a normal relationship, and when we had sex, we had these... roles. It was good. I liked it, it suited us... But then he started changing. I don't know when, and I don't know why, I can only see this now in hindsight, that he changed. He started directing me in ways I didn't like... It had always been on mutual conditions before, if I said no, he respected that. For example, I never wanted to be called like "slut" or things like that, or that he'd spit me in the face or so. I never wanted to be submissive in that way. I just wanted to... give up my control sometimes. Not being humiliated. But... but it was... He started to... sneak in little things... I don't want to get into details, but... I didn't realize it at first, and some things I agreed to do, because I didn't know better. He was older, I was only 16 when we got together and he was my first in every way, and he was 28 when he began to change, and I... well, I trusted him."

Louis felt chills running down his spine. He wanted to hit something, or someone. Yeah, well, a certain person did seem to come to mind. He felt hatred watching Harry's whole being change with each word that came out of his mouth. He looked more and more uncertain. Louis wanted this James-guy never to have the misfortune to get in his way, because he would not be responsible for the consequences.

"He began to rule over my body. Setting rules for when I could come... At first it was sexy, it was like a game, sometimes it would take days and it was just exciting, and once I'd get to come, it was amazing." Harry smiled sadly to the memory. "But then... It got worse and worse. More and more days would pass, and if I told him that I had come anyway, without him, I got spanked. Although getting spanked never was something I had liked. I never liked to be beaten like that. But... yeah, that was such a thing I agreed to do, because I didn't know better. He said it'd improve our sex life... so I agreed to be spanked as punishment. And when he discovered that sometimes I had came while I was asleep, he punished me aswell. Finally... finally we had ended up in a place where I always had to satisfy him, I never would get to come, never ever, and it was not at all fun anymore, not exciting, not sexy. He was just controlling, angry, and way too rough on me. Any punishment I got, against my will, because I came, made me over the time feeling guilty after every time it happened. He built up a feeling of remorse within me, until it was the only thing I knew, as soon as I got a hard on, I felt bad and tried to get it down again, before he could see it and punish me. And, as I said, for every orgasm I had, whether conscious or unconscious, he got angry. I wasn't allowed to come, only he."

Harry stopped speaking. Took a break, looked like he was catching his breath a little. Then he kept going.

"In the end we didn't have sex at all, and there was nothing good left in our relationship. But I didn't realize that it was wrong, I hadn't realized that yet. Somehow I thought that it was how it was suppose to be.That this was how relationships was suppose to be. I was just unhappy, and he was just angry. And then he left me. Just broke up one day, threw me out of the apartment and said I had ruined his life. I didn't understand anything, still don't, and it's been 1,5 years now, I just don't know. All I know is that I walked out of his apartment and into my own, and ever since, I have been walking around like, in just a big black bag... until..." Harry smiles now - he's so beuatiful! - "Until Niall forced me to visit that strip club..."

Louis smiles but can't feel happy. Harry shouldn't have to had experienced something like this. If any person in the world deserves to be treated well, it's Harry. Anger against James flares up in Louis, but gets drowned out by the feeling of wanting to take care of Harry, to protect him against all evil, to give him the courage to recognize that the world is beautiful., and kind. That Louis is kind.

"And... well... I mean, that's why I didn't want to let you... do something for me. I still have it so fucking hard imprinted that it's... wrong... that, well... That I shouldn't... that I should be ashamed and punished when I have an orgasm, and I'll never should be able to enjoy sex again. This is why I don't want you to... touch me. Do you remember that one time... Um, in the bed, the only time I came, with you... I just had to touch myself for a couple of seconds after your orgasm, before I came... It felt so so good Louis, so good, and I remember thanking you afterwards, and I really meant it, but I almost had an anxiety attack a while later, when I came around. I left you just moments after, do you remember that? I went into the bathroom with some lame stomach ache excuse and just cried and tried to breath normally for half an hour, trying to quiet myself, I didn't want you to hear. I cried into a towel, feeling sick about having that orgasm... I just can't believe that it's okay for me to experience good feelings during any kind of sex, you know... I don't dare to believe that you really want me to enjoy it too... it just feels wrong." Harry almost whispered the last words, just staying still in the middle of the floor. He has stopped walking now, holding the little elf still. He's looking at Louis and said "So that's it. This is me. I want to be ruled, and I can't do normal sex. Two sick attributes. So. It is okay to send me home again and thank me for this time. I understand completely."

Harry's words are making it hurt inside of Louis. It pains him so hard, to think back to that moment Harry described, to think about his beautiful boy sitting alone in the bathroom, crying and trying to do it quiet so it wouldn't reach out through the walls. He reaches out his arms towards Harry, opens them at him, to try to with no words explain that Harry belongs with him, no doubt about it. Harry quickly walks toward the sofa and sits down next to Louis, who embraces him. He draws a deep breath and buries his face against Louis neck. They sit still for a long time without saying anything. At last, Harry breaks the silence.

"What are you thinking? You don't say anything. What are you thinking?" he says quietly. Louis hears that he sounds worried.

"I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm just... sad. For how you've been treated. You don't deserve anything like this, no one deserves such a thing." Louis responds and he hears how contrite he sounds, but he can't help it. He hates James. Even more now.

Harry shrugs a little as he sits in Louis' arms. "No. I agree. But that's life, I guess."

"I just want to hold you for the rest of your life and protect you and tell you that I love you and make you realize that you're worth everything beautiful in the world. Including getting back everything he took from you..." Louis explains, outraged.

Harry smiles towards Louis' warm skin. Then he laughs gloomily and says "Mm, but right now it feels that there is no chance in the world that I can ever get back to normal. I am forever ruined."

"No, stop! Don't say that!" Louis exclaims and takes a hold of Harry's upper arms with both his hands, keeping him in front of him. "No, we can work on this! Obviously, we must be able to work on this! Or maybe you need to go to a psychologist? Talk to anyone! What do you think? What have you thought?"

Harry sits quietly and doesn't meet Louis gaze. "Oh, I don't know... talk to a psychologist... ? I do not know... What would it do?"

"I don't know" Louis admits "but maybe it's worth a try?"

Harry shrugs. "I don't think so... Not about talking to a psychologist anyway... What do you mean we, you and I can work this out...?"

"I don't know" Louis says again, looking thoughtful. "Maybe you can... talk to me about it...? Sometimes it's good to talk and get it out, just get rid of everything you've been through? Like, even if I can't come up with some good advice or so, I can at least listen. Or have you told anyone about all of this?"

"No. Niall know some... Zayn a bit as well... the other knows nothing really." Harry responds and shrugs again. It's like he's trying to look unbothered, but Louis thinks he can see through his gestures.

"Then you've been carrying everything within yourself all this time?" he says with a worried frown.

"Mm..." Harry replies.

"But isn't it just eating you up??" Louis asks, really worried.

Harry doesn't answer but looks more and more sad.

"But... do you want to try? Try to talk... ? To me?" Louis says. He puts his hand over Harry's. Caressing it gently with his thumb.

Harry nods. "Okay." he says quiet. "Okay... yeah. Yeah, we could try..."

Louis leans forward and caresses Harry's cheek. "Great. I think you'll feel a little better by this."

"But I'm still a wreck when it comes to all that physical stuff!" Harry quiet reminds him of.

"We can take that later. First thing first. Okay?"

"Okay..." Harry says, looking not entirely convinced, but dare to trust Louis, dare to trust that things can get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa... This chapter took a while to get to this place... I kinda started another fic that I need to get out of my system, and I also seem to think that I need to write a Larry-poem, I already did four of them, but apparently that isn't enough... (If you want to read them, please visit me on http://does-it-matter-where-we-were.tumblr.com/ and search for "poetry"...!)
> 
> But fear not! I will not give up on Tommo and Harry! Geez, my plan is smut, there have to be smut, right?! 
> 
> Thank you for reading, enjoy spring (if you have any) and believe in Larry all day, every day! See ya, and please, don't hold your breath for next chapter! I will do my best though, to get it written, I too want to know how it's gonna be between them! Byyyye! :)


	11. Chapter 11

"Babe, I really want you to tell me if you don't wanna do this... I don't want to force you into anything... Shit, this feels so weird..." Harry says, and puts an arm over his face, it feels suddenly too much to keep an eye contact with his beautiful boyfriend, who's sitting cross-legged next to him in the bed.

Louis doesn't answer, he has assured Harry enough times this afternoon that there is nothing in the world he'd rather do right now than this, and he's guessing that Harry's simply not receptive to further reassurance. Quietly he instead continues to caress Harry's body with a warm and steady hand. He lets his right hand follow Harry's side right up to the arm covering his eyes. He thinks it looks like Harry trembles a little, and tries to calm him down using body contact. He think it works, he think that Harry stops trembling. Louis feels a wave of tenderness sweep through him and he can hardly believe that this beautiful man is his boyfriend. He's just too beautiful, too gorgeous.

Yes, it's possible that Louis never in his entire life will be getting used to how beautiful Harry is. It would be quite understandable. This amazing human being lies there beside him in Louis' - that actually, now 4 months after their first date feels more like THEIR - bed, naked, with only a cover over his lower body. From the belly button and upwards, his on full display for Louis, and although he right now have a hard time seeing his face, Louis' in awe over how beautiful Harry is. He's like a work of art, and he's just Louis art. At the moment though, this amazing art is very very nervous and a couple of times Louis has asked him if they should just stop the attempt, and try another day, but Harry refuses to do that. He wants to, he so very fervently wants to receive pleasure from Louis, and he has decided since quite a nervous week that today is the day it will happen. He has been talking to Louis during these months that have passed, talked talked and talked, just as Louis suggested that Harry would do, to not having to carry all the memories by himself. Louis has followed along on a journey through Harry's memories and thoughts, from the most beautiful from Harry's first years with James, right down to the very ugliest, darkest remembrances, which had both Harry and Louis to break down and cry more than once. That was those things that made Harry sick to his stomach by bringing out in the open, and prompted Louis to knot his hands into fists and push them hard against his thighs, to not get up and hit them through a wall.

Harry has gone through such a huge change since he began to share his experiences and Louis are so very proud of him. And now, time has come. Harry has decided that he actually dare to trust that Louis wants him to feel pleasure, that Harry's satisfaction is actually important to him. Louis has been longing for this since day 1, and even more after he realized it was not a sure thing for Harry to be wanting this, and the past week he has barely been able to think of anything else. Harry has told Louis sorry a thousand times for being such a mess and Louis have a thousand times assured Harry that he loves him for who he is and that there is nothing that can make him think otherwise.

But Harry is nervous. When Louis' not with steady hands are caressing his skin, Harry trembles and Louis have to ask, one last time, if he really wants to continue.

Harry puts his arm down, opens his eyes and meets Louis gaze. "Yeah. I want this. I promise. I think I just have to push myself over the edge, you know..." He inhales deeply. "I'm ready. I promise. Go."

"Okay." Louis says. "But tell me if you want me to stop. Or I'll quit if you seem not at ease. Okay?"

"Okay." Harry responds, his arms resting on his belly now, he nervously twists the ring he has on his right middle finger. Draws a new breath, deep, soothing. He closes his eyes and opens them again. "Yeah. I'm ready. I want this now. " he says, and Louis dare to trust him. The last thing he wants, is to hurt Harry, but just as little, does he want to distrust Harry, and especially in this kind of intimate situation. He must dare to trust him, must have the courage to trust that it really is him talking now, and not a scared forced Harry.

"Okay" Louis says and nods. He lies down on the side next to Harry and starts kissing him. His right hand supports his head and the left hand is gently caressing Harry over his chest. Louis can feel Harry flinch, just a tiny bit, but he tries to ignore it, and Harry says or does nothing either. They continue kissing and Harry are still now, only meets Louis lips with his, Louis tongue with his. Louis are craving Harry's naked body so much he might actually go crazy and now that it's so close, it feels so amazing, but at the same time as if for the first time that he would ever try to satisfy another human being. It's a scary feeling, but it's also an amazing feeling.

...

They kiss each other for a long time. Louis believes that Harry need it, that he needs to feel that they're going slow. Although Harry's sure he wants to, and Louis believes that Harry actually means what he says, Louis thinks that Harry needs this time.

So that's why do they do nothing but kiss for the first half hour. After countless longing kisses Louis lets his left hand slide down from Harry's bare chest, across the flat stomach and then continue down over the covers to with the utmost care caress Harry's thighs as best he can. Louis moves his hand with a certain distance from the bump that clearly stand out in the thick layer of cotton and feathers, and feel almost dizzy with anticipation. This situation may be the most erotic Louis ever have experienced. There's a very special feeling, lying next to Harry who's only covered in linen, while he himself is almost naked, wearing only boxers.

His hand slides up again, towards the edge of the cover, and it wouldn't surprise Louis at all if Harry can feel how fast his heart is beating, their naked chests are so close together. It feels bare and revealing, how strong his body reacts to this situation, but he tries not to think about it, instead letting his fingers slowly slide under the covers.

He can feel Harry tensing up a bit now. The relaxed, confident body feels a little bit more nervous, a little more stiff, but when Louis leaves his hand to lay still against the warm skin, he's feeling Harry relax again. They continue the kissing and millimetre by millimetre, he approaches Harry's hard on. Louis had intended to let his fingers embrace the hard cock, but changes his mind and let his hand slip by, instead finding Harry's thighs, embedded and hot under the cover. It is as if Harry almost imperceptibly lets out a relieved breath. Louis thinks he did the right thing giving this a bit more time, he thinks that Harry would need to really get to long for his touch.

But. One can only touch on a pair of thighs for so many minutes before the hand longs for another part of the body. Louis feels his hand searching upwards again, as a magnet against another. Oh god how he wants to feel Harry's cock in his hand, it's like his fingertips already are imagining how hot and velvety he will feel. Louis wishes this moment could last forever, that he could always hear Harry's light, a little anticipating panting breath, he wishes he'd always be able to feel his heart throb in this longing way, he wishes that he could always get to feel this tingling in his stomach, this desire to physically get to show Harry how much he loves him.

He breaks the kiss and lays down to rest his head on Harry's shoulder. Cheek resting against the soft skin just above the collarbone and now. Now, he moves his hand. Now.

Harry's breathing hitches, but he stays calm, does not stiffen like when Louis caressed his chest when they had just started kissing. Instead he can hear how Harry exhales, a long relieved breath, as if he has been waiting for just this moment for all his life, like he always has been waiting to feel Louis hand around him. Louis, however, hardly dare to breathe at all. He's not sure if he even knows how to do it, that breathing thing. He has Harry's cock in his hand, and it is so hard, and so warm and feels perfect in a way he never had dared to hope it'd feel. Had he not already been lying down, Louis is sure he would've fainted. Or at least wobbled around a little, feel his legs turn into jelly for a second.

Tentatively he squeezes Harry's cock, caressing him a little with his thumb, and Harry gasps. The arm resting lightly against Harry's belly flies back up to cover his eyes and Louis wonders if he should stop, he would back off a bit, go back to just caress the rest of the body.

"Continue." Harry however says from under his arm. "It's just so... very... But go on!"

So Louis continues. With easy fingers he follows Harry's cock, from the top, down to the root where he gently lets his fingertips caress the scrotum. It feels cool against his fingers and contracts under his touch. As if it was the first time he ever touched a boy, he's fascinated by the way Harry's body reacts to him. He turns back up again and gently follows the vein that runs under the cock, and reaches the tip again. He squeezes once more and then slowly starts stroking the soft skin back and forth. If it had been any other guy beside him in this bed, at this point Louis would've shamelessly rubbed up against him, because he was really really hard now. But it isn't just any other guy. It's Harry. So therefore Louis' caressing him, jerking him slowly, giving the scrotum a few caresses at regular intervals - and kissing his neck.

The moment his lips meet the soft skin just below Harry's jaw, Harry takes down his arm again, not hiding anymore.

"Louis..." he mumbles, and lets out a small groan when Louis places a small love bite just where the neck meets the shoulder.

Louis lips continues to meet Harry's skin, but no more love bites, just kisses now. Kisses on the neck, on the shoulder, several kisses covering the chest. Louis let go of his hold on Harry's cock and lets his leg sneak in under the warm cover, all the while fully alive to the slightest sign of discomfort from Harry's side. Harry's lying still and Louis straddle his thighs carefully, gently pulling the cover over both of them. "Okay?" he asks, searchingly looking at his boyfriend lying beneath him.

"Okay." Harry responds with his eyes closed. He looks almost concentrated. One arm lying against the pillow above his head, the other is running along his side, hand loosely tied around a corner of the cover. Louis supports himself with his hands on each side of Harry's chest and now he bends down and continues his kisses. The clavicle get a kiss, the shoulder too, and then he moves down and kisses the soft muscle a bit below the collarbone, then down some more, pressing a light kiss against the skin just above Harry's one nipple. The cover rustles when Harry's grip on it hardens, and Louis hoping that the reaction is because Harry likes it, and not because he is experiencing discomfort.

He gives Harry's chest one more kiss, now straight at the nipple, and Harry pushes his head back into the pillow and moans a little. Louis does it again, and then again, and then lets his lips search for the other nipple. Softly he flicks it with his tongue, feeling it stiffen from the sensation. Again and again Louis can hear small moans filling the silent room and he thinks to himself that it's the most beautiful sound in the world.

He sits up a bit, lifting his left hand from the mattress and instead grips Harry's cock with is. He has to scooch a little to the side to get a good hold of it, and because he has been lying pressed against the hard cock for a while now, a wet spot of precum is sticking on Louis stomach. Louis thinks he's the luckiest man on earth.

He jerks Harry slowly and have to repress a small moan that wants to be heard, when he feels more precum seep, he can feel himself getting wet in the soft fold between the thumb and index finger. He ignores the impulse he gets to sit back and lick his hand. 'First things first' he's admonishing himself. 'Now it's about Harry.' He's proud of himself. Again - had it been any other guy, he would have licked that wet spot on his hand in the most filthiest of ways, but this is Harry. This is not a filthy situation. This is a fucking break through. Calm and steady. Keep it nice.

...

Louis has heard Harry moan before, the small sounds slips out of him so easy when he's on his knees, getting told to do whatever Louis wants him to. Louis loves those sounds.

But this is something else. It is no longer those needy, longing sounds, no longer that desperate ring in his voice. Louis can't hear him needing this, like the way he needs to be told what to do. It's more like... content sounds, sounds of pure bliss, mixed with small surprised gasps when Louis changes rhythm into his touch. Harry's enjoying this, he's allowing himself to feel pleasure when Louis touches him. A wave of heat goes through Louis, he feels so fortunate to get to experience this, to see Harry actually finding his way back to himself, one tiny little step at a time.

A couple of more strokes up and down Harry's cock, and then Louis decides that he wants to try next step. He is constantly attentive, noticing the slightest change in Harry's being, and he adapts more than he ever would've thought he could do. He scooches backwards, sitting back on his knees between Harry's parted legs. Again, Harry looks up at him, a little tense, nervous, and Louis has to ask again "Okay... ?" With a small little wrinkle between his eyebrows Harry nods and Louis says "Stop me if I do anything that doesn't feel good. I'll quit instantly. I love you."

The wrinkle disappears and Harry looks secure now. Louis has a thousand butterflies in his stomach, he's feeling really nervous now. His plan is to take Harry in his mouth and he believes that Harry understands that. Louis has done this before and never been nervous, not even when he did the very first time. But now, with Harry, it feels as if he is facing a test, the most important test in his entire life, and the only way to pass is if Harry feels perfectly comfortable the whole time. Louis has Harry's cock in a firm grip with his right hand and leans against the mattress on his left hand. He closes his eyes and with a pounding heart, he reaches out with his tongue. It is against Harry now, against his cock - finally - and on pure reflex he's stroking the soft foreskin down a bit and let the tongue slide up over the glans, lips closing around the tip. Harry groans softly, his hips jerking up a little, and his cock slides a few more millimetres into Louis' mouth. Louis didn't mean for it to go so fast. He had really meant to take it slowly slowly, jerking a little, lick a little, then when Harry really felt ready, let him come into Louis hot mouth. But now they're here, Harry bucking up into Louis, and nothing else is to do, but to take him.

Louis opens his mouth up wide, enjoying the feeling of Harry filling him up more and more, he lets his lips slide along Harry's cock, careful not to scrape him with his teeth. He jerks Harry with his hand, having it slide up and down, time and time again, and meeting the hand with his lips. Now and then he sucks in his cheeks to really wrap his mouth around Harry and each time he's rewarded with a beautiful groan.

Harry puts his feet flat into the mattress, striving up up with his hips, bucking himself into Louis mouth without any end to it. Louis puts on 100% concentration to be able to breathe properly in and out through his nose while sucking in in his cheeks to make it as comfortable as possible for Harry. He have never taken any other task more serious.

His hand is working frantically on the boy, his mouth as well, and Louis is noticing that Harry's movements becomes more and more erratic, and the groans sound more short, more concentrated.

"Lou..." Harry suddenly lets out, followed by a loud moan.

"Mm... " Louis answers him, throat hurting a little from how ambitious he lets Harry slide into him, again and again. He moves his hand in caressing movements, lips slides easily up and down, wet with saliva.

"Lou... " Harry says again. Nothing more after that, no continuation and no explanation.

Suddenly, he throws his arm up to his face again in a gesture he's probably used to by now, then the other arm, and now he's covering his whole face with his big hands. "Lou... I..." Harry mumbles in a forced way, behind his hands.

Louis presses himself down over Harry's cock one last time before he leaves it lying heavily against Harry's belly. "What, darling?" he says, gently caressing his boyfriends thighs.

Harry doesn't answer, just breathes heavily into his hands. Louis waits quietly while observing Harry's chest as it heaves up and down.

"Everything all right?" he asks after a short while. Harry nods under his hands.

Louis let the silence fill the room again.

After a moment, Harry takes down one hand, the other still remains over his eyes as a wall between him and Louis. And he starts talking. "Louis... I'm such a disaster. It was so close. It felt so good, so so good. It was perfect. But I... I don't dare to believe that you really want to let me have this. I... can't. It's never gonna work..."

It feels like a stone falls down into Louis' body. A large black stone, clouding his happiness. Hatred, it's hatred that he's feeling. And grief. Hatred against James who has done this against Harry and grief over not always have been in Harry's life to protect him. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't dare to try to convince Harry too much to continue, but he can't let it go completely.

"I can't." says Harry again, and twist his body a bit, now lying down on his side instead. Louis settles behind him, puts the blanket over both of them, spooning Harry.

He caresses his upper arm, kisses his neck and whispers "I love you. Let's try another day. Shall we sleep?"

Harry is quiet for so long that Louis thinks that he actually already fell asleep. But then he shakes his head. "No." he says. "Nope. I want to try again."

Louis smiles with his face pressed against Harry's hair. Stubborn amazing human being. "Okay." he says. "If you want to?"

"I want to." Harry says and settles on his back again while Louis sits up. He caresses Harry gently, his hard on has subsided but under his hand, he can feel Harry quickly getting hard again. and suddenly he knows that Harry is ready. Ready for real, not pushing himself to will anymore, pushing himself to to dare as before. He wants this. He longs for it. He needs this now. The atmosphere in the room has changed in an instant, and Louis can of course not swear to it, but he is so sure he can be, that Harry actually want this now.

He doesn't want to waste any time, so he slowly lower himself over his boyfriend, letting him slide back into his mouth slowly slowly. When Louis has taken all of him, Harry inhales sharply and Louis want to smile when he feels Harry's fingers quickly become entangled in Louis hair. Louis doesn't though - it's not easy to smile when you have full concentration on not choke on a cock deep down your throat - and he slowly lifts his head again. He's caressing Harry with hand and mouth, and Harry let the room be filled with delightful little groans. He lifts his hips meeting Louis' movements and Louis wonders if he will ever be part of something so erotic again throughout his life.

They get into a rhythm and Louis can hear how Harry's breathing and moans changes character, that he's getting closer and closer. There's no doubt now, not as it was before. Before, Louis could notice in all of Harry's movements, all his gasps, in his eyes when their gazes met, that Harry was still not sure, still a little scared. There is nothing like that now. Now he stretches out in the bed with a lovely sense of confidence around him, he holds his hands steady in Louis hair, legs wide apart, his voice doesn't tremble in the least when the groans slips through one by one. Harry wants this, he enjoys this. He dares this and Louis feels a surge of pride mixed with all this lust he feels for the boy in front of him.

The hands in Louis hair are increasing their moves, Harry pulls, twists and releases Louis hair over and over again while the power of the hips upward movement is getting stronger and stronger.

A moment later Louis let his lips leave Harry, looks up at him and asks "Where do you want to come?'. Harry raises his head from the pillow a little bit, opens his eyes and looks at Louis, confused. A naked, longing and slightly dazed look on his face. "I don't know... where do you want it... ?" he mumbles out between lips he clearly has bitten into for a while now. He lets his hands leave Louis' hair, so instead of lying back on the pillows, he leans back on his elbows to keep watching his boyfriend.

"I asked you, sweetie." Louis responds with a gentle smile, slowly stroking Harry's cock, unable and unwilling to resist right now. "It's your decision. Everything is fine by me."

Harry nods quickly and says "Okay. I think I..." Harry lets the rest of words die out, despite the fact that Louis can clearly see that Harry has the rest of the words ready to roll off his tongue.

"Say it. It's your call." Louis repeats and letting the pad of his thumb run just slightly over the slit in Harry's cock. He's wet there and Louis wants to taste it so badly.

Harry takes a deep breath and with eyes closed he lets his head fall back on the pillow again. Quiet, almost as if to himself, he says "In your mouth. I want to come in your mouth." then he lifts his head a little. He looks at Louis. A steady, confident gaze. "I want to come in your mouth." he says again.

Louis smiles with a heart full of butterflies, stomach full of butterflies, whole body filled with butterflies. He says nothing more, just bends down and takes Harry's hard cock in his mouth again, hollowing his cheeks, letting Harry slip in and out at an quickening pace. And now it's not taking long. It's like music to his ears, how Harry's voice reveals his pleasure, his hands who has again found their way to Louis' hair, lets their fingers again and again dance over his head, sending shivers down his spine and through his whole body. Harry is so close now.

The sweaty hips under Louis lives their own life and it's not just once that he almost bounces with his face against Harry's stomach by the intensity of the movement. When the movements are becoming irregular he encloses Harry with one hand, stroking him fast, up and down, just the tip of his cock sliding in and out of his mouth, and Harry's moans changes to gasps, first rapid and strong, but with every breath easier and lighter. "Now... " Harry croaks out, while gently pressing down Louis head over his cock and now, finally, Louis can feel Harry pulsating in his hand. The next second, Harry's filling Louis' mouth with his hot come, and Louis swallows, swallows, swallows, feeling like the luckiest man in the world, and he swallows and swallows more. His hand's working up and down Harry's cock and he tries to sense when it's time to hold back with the movements. Harry gasps quickly turned into moans during his orgasm, but now he falls silent again, letting his hands lay still against Louis' head. Louis also become still, and hollowing his cheeks once more, as he slowly let Harry slip out of him. Gently he lays the now softening cock against Harry's belly, and sits up between the boy's legs. He looks at him, trying to find him under the closed eyelids, the blushing cheeks and the broad chest still heavily heaving up and down.

"Are you okay?" he asks gently. Harry nods and begs him "Hold me, please."

Louis hastens to quickly lay down behind Harry and get his arms around him. He lets the cover remain at their feet - he guesses that both he and Harry needs to cool off a bit - and gently starts caressing Harry's upper arm.

"It's your turn now... " Harry mumbles and his arm disappears from Louis caresses. Harry's hand slides down his own back, finding its way in between them, since Harry has felt Louis hard on against his back. "No sweetie, not now. Take it easy. We can come back to me later." Louis says and intertwines their fingers and gently eases Harry's arm in front of them both again.

"Okay..." Harry says with a drowsy voice. "If it feels okay then?" he asks.

"It feels okay." Louis responds. He is still very hard, but to get off is nothing at all he thinks about right now. He wants to know how Harry is. Louis' own satisfaction is very secondary. He wants to focus on Harry now, ask how he's doing. Now that he for the first time in far too long have been able to enjoy this kind of thing. But he doesn't really know when it's okay to ask. If at all is okay to ask. He doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. But he would still like to know.

He doesn't have to think long about how he should do it, because suddenly Harry says, with a shaky voice "I feel like I want to cry..."

Louis feels terrified all of a sudden. Cry?! Why? "Why...?" he asks quietly and tries to keep his caressing of Harry's arm as light and steady as usual.

"I don't know " Harry admits, sounding miserable. "But it welling up inside me... I think it's tears of joy. Or some kind of... relief."

"But... cry...! Darling, cry if you need to. I'm here. I am always here, don't you worry about that." says Louis, trying to hold Harry even harder. Harry says nothing, and doesn't seem to cry either, Louis can just hear shaky breaths, as if Harry are holding back the tears.

"Harry..." Louis says quietly against his ear. "It's okay. Cry if you need to. I love you so much."

And at those words, it's like a dam opened within Harry, and he finally dares to let go. It starts out in sobs, long and heavy sobs and Louis can clearly hear how Harry is still trying to stop it, trying to restrain himself, but then he hears Harry letting out hiccups, that are like a warning of what are actually waiting behind all control Harry has been held under for all this time, and it doesn't take long before Harry lies in Louis' arms, crying and weeping, heavy sobs shaking this big body. Louis has no idea what to do, he just lies still behind him, holding on as hard as he can. He is shaken by this, shaken by how a person can react so strongly to an act that he has only seen as positive before, but he is so grateful that Harry dared to go through this with him.

Harry cries for a long time, it's as if the years of grief, guilt, pain, and anxiety finally leaves his body, because when he finally falls silent, hiccuping his way into a calm sleep in Louis' arms, it's a new feeling in the room. A sense of serenity. Calmness. As if Harry has finally started to finding his way back to the person he once was. It is a long journey still, Louis does realize this, but it has begun. And Louis will be with Harry every single step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey! I've kept you waiting for this, sorry! And this is also the last chapter, sorry again! There is other things that have to take time in my life right now, so I had to put this fic to an end. I will come up with a sequel though, there's a smut-thing still in my head including these two lovely lovebirds, and I can't let that thing go. But I don't know when it will appear. But it will. Someday!
> 
> Thanks soooo much for reading, bye, take care!!! 
> 
> Update August 2014: I'm writing the sequel! Yay!!


	12. There he goes, my baby, walks so slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I made a sequel! And I´m a technical idiot so I can´t seem to figure out how to do it so it looks good. So I´m just gonna put the link here, and send you to that fic instead. (I will try to to it as "a part of a series" tomorrow Monday though. Just wanted to get it out here.)
> 
> Bye bye! :)

Here it is------------------->> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2154273


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